Metal Chicks - The good, the bad, but mostly the ugly

When I was a young teenager and my hormones were moshing through my blood to the beat of Exodus' "Pleasures of the Flesh", I never thought I'd ever score with a metal chick. They were very rare creatures back then and usually went for the older dudes who smoked Marlboro reds and wore Motley Crue shirts. Even with my razor blade earring, a short whimpy dude with a mullet, a Slayer shirt and no game, just didn't stand a chance. I thought I was condemned to a life of jerkin' it to pictures of Lita Ford and Doro Pesch (and of course Tracy Lords and Ginger Lynn). As years went by, I got more confidence and by the early 90s (with more girls into metal) my options multiplied ten-fold. Imagine my ecstasy when I finally landed a GF my senior year in high school. She wore a Testament shirt and owned a Benediction cassette! At the time there was no hotter chick. She was the queen of our loser metal circle and she was going out with me. She wasn't with Tiger, the drummer for a horrible local thrash band who drove a pick-up truck with a Metallica sticker on the back window. No, sir! She was my GF and all I drove was my moms' 1986 Subaru! She thought my Jason Newsted haircut was awesome and would actually request Napalm Death on my mom's car stereo when we made out in the parking lot of the middle school at night. I lost my virginity to this Metal Goddess (on the back-seat of the Subaru). Of course, our love didn't last. I moved after graduating and that was it. I never even knew her last name. I have not seriously dated any other metal chicks since. I did play Unleashed while fucking some girl in college once and I still try to play Dystopia while getting busy as often as possible, but it's just not the the same, you know?. Those 3 months were the only times in my pathetic life I actually lived the dream. For 3 glorious months I had a hot metal chick. Of course I look at photos of her now and she was pretty skanky.

These days I exclusively date really hot girls (follow my Twitter for proof), so that means none of my ladies are into metal. The hesher stereotype of a metal fan is like fucking kryptonite to hot ladies. It's a fact: super hot chicks, don't like metal. Of course, I'm not saying all metal girls are porkers, but do you think Jessica Alba knows or gives a shit who Trey Azagthoth is? I never tell chicks that I like metal, much less that I write for this shitty blog. I don't give a shit about scene points. I just wanna get my knob polished and, maybe, a ride on the meat-coaster.

Still, there's a small part of me that longs for a hot metal chick... I think about it from time to time. So, I decided to look into metal chicks again and see what (if anything) I'd been missing. Let's start with my long lost past...

LITA FORD / JOAN JETT

God, these girls were SO fucking hot. For a barley pubescent boy into Kiss and Iron Maiden, a band like The Runaways was the only thing better than my sister's Wet'n'Wild bathing suit catalog. To this day, this picture gets my crank going. Even though I now think this is the hottest Lita Ford ever looked, back then I thought she looked a little plain, and I loved glammed-up Lita better. And sure, now I realize Joan Jett looked like Freddy Mercury, but at the time Joan Jett was a wet dream come true. Well, not really "wet", since my boys weren't really swimming yet, but you know what I mean.

Joan Jett has even aged well. I'd hit that! Not so much with Lita Ford. She looks like the lady in the flea market that sells Indian dream catchers... I'll pass, thanks.

DORO PESCH

I'd never heard Warlock as a kid, but that didn't stop me from hanging a poster of Doro on my bedroom wall as I fantasized about what I'd do to her if I ran into her in the woods in Germany while listening to Running Wild on my walkman. Doro was not hot at all, but the leather pants and metal look was too much for my naive testosterone-filled body, and plenty of chubbies were popped. I still haven't heard (nor care to) Warlock or any of her subsequent stuff, but somehow I know I'm not missing much at all. Talking about not missing much, if Doro wasn't much back then, she sure ain't shit now.

Girl, you went from singing in a band called Warlock to looking like one.

Harry Potter was right to be scared of you, Voldemort!

VIXEN

Again, I've never heard Vixen and I'm pretty fucking sure I don't want to, but in 1988 they were the object of my adoration. Dude, their drums were shaped like a motorcycle! I now realize they weren't all that and that they sorta look like Angela Bauer, but I was young, and like I said, my metal chicks options were limited. Here's another bunch of gals to whom the years have not been kind.

Ouch. This looks like the Knox County Thursday-night knitting and bridge club.

OTHER "HOT" CHICKS FROM THE 80's

The Great Kat... Yeah, she was never really hot. Ever. She was just fucking trashy and creepy... see this.

I was told there was 2 chicks in Madam X, but I can't tell which is which.

Just as with the image above, I can't tell who in Girlschool is a dude and who's just an ugly broad!

CYCLE SLUTS FROM HELL

Around the early 90's Headbanger's Ball introduced me the CSFH. I'm sure without the make-up and denim vests these girls were average cows, but nothing made my tadpole splash like the "I Wish You Were a Beer" video on Saturday nights.

JO BENCH

Of all the girls featured on this post, Jo Bench is the only one I still have a crush on. Maybe it's cuz I still listen to Bolt Thrower, or because I think girls with British accents are hot. In person, she's prolly pretty nasty, but Jo can sit on my Bench whenever she wants to.

MYTHIC

I saw Mythic live a loooooong time ago and let me tell you, they were NOT hot. Still, a lady wearing a Morgoth long sleeve has a way of getting under my skin. If you wanna know how Sergeant D feels about these ladies (and Nuclear Death), click here.

DEMONOMACY

I had both of these ladies' demos and even saw them live once, while living in Miami in the early 1990s. They were sloppy at best and musically, as repetitive and generic as any Florida band back then. Even from this blurry and dark picture we can make out that they were no models, but they were in a Death Metal band and when I was 17, that's the only thing that mattered.

A FEW FINAL NOTES:

Listen, not all the ladies mentioned above may be Playboy material (most aren't even good enough for Amateur Allure, actually), but at least they were fucking born before "Live After Death" came out. This dumb Miley Cyrus retarded-ass-whore dares wear this Maiden tee? Seriously? I want to punch her in her ribs. And set her hair on fire.

We know Black Metal dudes look like douche bags, but BM girls are WAY worse. BM girls are just pathetic, sad and plain gross.

Listen guys, the fact is that we all want a hot metal chick like what's her face from Lacuna Coil, but we have to face it: most metal girls were plain ugly.