METAL INQUISITION

King Diamond's house

2012-01-22T10:29:00.001-05:00

Every man needs a place to hang his top hat.

Roadie for a day

2011-12-13T14:41:00.002-05:00

Britain's only Udo Dirkschneider look-alike gets a 14 year old a job working for Iron Maiden as a roadie.

Video via reader Omar

Are you or a loved one drifting toward satanism?

2011-12-02T09:24:00.002-05:00

Seriously, you better watch your use of new vocabulary.

Where would Chris Barnes buy a used Porsche?

2011-11-13T12:32:00.002-05:00

If you ever asked yourself this question (and who among us hasn't), this video will give you the answer you've been looking for:

(video via Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls)

Metal Inquisition Archives: Cassettes

2011-11-08T04:32:00.001-05:00

Anthrax Among The Living cassette, circa 1989. All writing done by my brother, except for the band logo and album name at the bottom left, which I did. Notice the droopy, downward pointing letters in the name of the album up top. A foreshadowing of where the band's career was headed, and how quickly Scott Ian would become so sad that we'd all feel bad when laughing at him. This was cassette #29 in our collection.

#13 in the collection, this tape probably dates to early 1990 or so. At some point we re-numbered the collection, which explains its lower number. Also, Side B was dubbed much later.

On side A, we have Colombian masters Kraken (see video below). Side B features Voivod's Nothingface. Next to the band's name, the name "Aaron" denotes who this was dubbed from. Aaron was a friend from the Dominican Republic. Aaron appeared to be in denial of the fact that he was black, and often made racist comments that left us all bewildered. He loved Glenn Danzig and once proudly (and very loudly) announced the following to my brother in the middle of class: "My mom said I could relax my hair and grow out my sideburns!"

Stop

2011-09-21T13:08:00.004-04:00

Yeah. Seriously. (Image courtesy of AHTBM.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

2011-08-24T11:38:00.002-04:00

Drive your co-workers craaaaaaaaaaazy!!!

Fun with Google autocomplete

2011-07-29T01:17:00.000-04:00

Cleaning out the Metal Inquisition Archives

2011-07-28T04:52:00.001-04:00

I was looking through the Metal Inquisition YouTube account, and realized that a few videos I uploaded were never published.

First up, Barney from Napalm Death showing he's got mad skillz on the mic:

This next one came from one of the many Betamax tapes that are currently housed in the Metal Inquisitions library (a shelf in my basement). It features Kirk Hammet's mustache, and other members of Metallica circa 1991 talking about their new stage set up, and how revolutionary it was. It's as though they invented the cure for polio.

Lastly, we have German (Update: I guess they are actually Swiss. I'm a poser) thrashers Coroner, talking about how innovative their music was, and then telling us super hilarious stories about how "incredibly bizarre" their bus driver is. Hold on to your hats folks, this story is absolutely zany!

Roger from accounts payable having a great time at a Manowar show

2011-07-20T01:20:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to see that Roger from the accounts payable department here at Metal Inquisition finally got to experience Manowar live. I've been telling him for years how great they are, so for me to see him let it all hang out like this brings a smile to otherwise my somber face.

Bobby Rock says: intensity is the name of the game when playing for rivetheads

2011-07-12T12:36:00.002-04:00

Listen up fools, Nitro's own Bobby Rock is gonna' tell you how it's done.

Greatest version of Venom's "Black Metal" ever played

2011-06-30T14:53:00.002-04:00

Not that Venom didn't do a great job with the original, but when this kid takes his shirt off, you know he's more committed to the song than Cronos ever was. Link courtesy of Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls.

And yet another spin-off...

2011-05-23T18:39:00.013-04:00

I started writing for Metal Inquisition about two years ago, back when posts were a little more frequent, but no less hilarious and revealing. I penned a couple posts about ‘When Weed And Metal Goes Wrong’, gave some insight about Century Media Records a couple of times, and latent homo-eroticisms in metal cover art and more…

Like Sgt D.’s infamous “Stuff You Will Hate” and also Cycling Inquisition from Klaus, there’s a new outlet to drain your time to: Cryogenic Husk - A site that explores the art of the “mixtape”. That is, songs, when compiled, organized and grouped together as a whole, take on a new (art)form in and of itself. Mixes featured here cover a wide variety of genres, themes, moods and topics – all aimed at the discovery, escapism, education/documentation, and creation of grouped music and features many musicians, bloggers and industry "experts" unique mixes.

New mixes are posted weekly, so check back often, or better yet, bookmark us or add us to your RSS feed (or just tune in via twitter (www.twitter.com/cryogenichusk) and Facebook (www.facebook.com/cryogenichusk if that's easier)

Anyway, Sgt. D has made his love for Easycore outspoken in the past and went so far as to lend his time to provide a mix that serves as a gateway for the standard metalhead to check out. Read it here, it's a killer entry point for those into metal and something I'm sure Metal Inquisition readers will dig.

There's also a recent Napalm Death mix that's focused on "Suffer The Children". Feel free to browse around, comment and whatnot. Thanks and Cheers!

Air drumming, a true story.

2011-05-10T17:38:00.005-04:00

Several years ago, fellow blogger (and Metal Inquisition founder) Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls ended up living in the very same city that I call home. He asked me to help him move, and I happily obliged. As I was helping him move some boxes and recent Ikea purchases into his new abode, I noticed a pair of drumsticks. Since I play drums, I commented,

"Wait, I didn't know you played the drums!"

It was then that he answered in a way that only he could. He answered with a phrase that is still ringing in my head after all these years. Without any sense of irony, or seeing how this was insanely funny for an adult to be saying, he simply stated,

"I don't play, I just have those so I can air drum."

Here was an adult, a grown man, telling me that he would air drum to entire records, and did so sitting on the edge of his bed, and with drumsticks. My mind was blown. It's with that story in mind that I offer you this video.

NEWS FLASH Exodus and Kreator are, in fact, the same band!

2011-02-23T12:38:00.003-05:00

I'm almost ashamed to admit to this, but in all my extensive years listening to Exodus and Kreator (two of my favorite 80's thrash bands), I never realized that they were, in fact, the same band. I know how crazy that sounds. Some may say, "Dude, one is from California, the other from Germany!" or "I saw them live together in '88!", but I have proof that they are in fact the same band. OK, OK, maybe they just ripped each other off a lot... the proof? Exodus' Strike of the Beast and Kreator's Total Death are the same song. Don't believe me? Hit play at the same time, and be amazed, especially when Exodus get to the chorus. Go ahead, YOU be the judge.

*sK

Submitted without comment... other than: "BAD ASS!"

2011-02-04T10:54:00.001-05:00

Must see show coming soon!

2010-12-07T22:02:00.000-05:00

Wait...is Iron Maiden playing? No? Oh, it's Paul Di'Anno who's playing right? No?
Oh...it's the guitar player in Paul Di'Anno's band. Got it, got it. Color me there.

Dearest Russia, please bring back communism

2010-12-07T10:19:00.007-05:00

It seems like Mother Russia’s people have a little too much time on their hands. It is bad enough that these all look kind of like women with bushy eyebrows, but to immortalize the members of W.A.S.P. on wooden nesting dolls just reeks of idle hands.

One can only hope that Will Rahmer will soon be immortalized as some sort of Precious Moments figurine.

Sadly, there is only one set to be had. Go get it now. As a goof, or course.

Celebrity apartments: Lemmy and Fenriz edition

2010-12-02T09:34:00.002-05:00

Ready? Set? Get depressed. In the video below, Mr Lemmy Kilmister gives us an exclusive tour of his apartment in the city of Los Angeles. While some of you will be stupid enough to claim that he's "keeping it real" by living in more depressing quarters than many 19 year old record store employees, I beg to differ.

If you're not fully depressed by the end of the Lemmy video, perhaps seeing Fenriz's living quarters will do the trick.

The return of SkullKrusher AND 80's Hardcore

2010-10-29T16:58:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted anything on M.I. is an a long, long, long time!

Today i was feeling very nostalgic about 80's punk/hardcore and crossover, so I went to YouTube and fished out a few gems. Hope you enjoy and have a happy Halloween.

*sK

Catch me on Metal Sucks

2010-10-20T20:45:00.003-04:00

Not all Metal Inquisition readers are fans of yours truly (#understatements), but if you are interested in reading more of my work, I've been writing pretty consistently for the good folks at Metal Sucks. They let me write whatever I want and their site is much bigger than Metal Inquisition ever was, so it is a nice arrangement-- also, they're full time bloggers now (no 'real jobs'), so they deserve your support.

Here are a couple of recent favorites:

Just say no to piracy [via Victory Records and Gilbert Gottfried]

How r u spending the 30th anniversary of Coywboys From Hell??

Album of the day: DOWNSET edition

What is ur favorite classic nu-metal band???

Interview: Kottonmouth Kings are punker than you

Thanks to anybody who has read/commented on Metal Inquisition, and hope to see you on Metal Sucks! Also, don't forget to follow me on Twitter!

Relapsing about metal samplers

2010-06-30T23:24:00.020-04:00

It was around the early to mid-90s is when my metal listening habits started evolving from the basic ‘meat and potatoes’ metal to more extreme territory. Sure, I dabbled in some of the fringe metal genres up till then (death, grind, industrial), but the majority of my metal was your garden variety Sepultura, Pantera, Fear Factory, etc.

There are a number of ways I was discovering new music at the time which helped me learn about a lot of great bands. Word of mouth, concerts, geeking out over the ‘Thank You’ credits of my favorite records (or even just the shirts the band was wearing in their group photo), the occasional mixtape, etc. One exciting way I discovered some new bands was through record label samplers and compilations. In a short tape or CD you had a high ratio of new bands you never heard of to a low amount of time spent discovering them. It was great.

One label that really gave me a me a shot in the arm via samplers and label compilations was Relapse Records, specifically in their mid to late 90s period. Through their free samplers I discovered Brutal Truth, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Nile, Amorphis and a variety of others over the years. I got the chance to ask Relapse founder and head honcho Matt Jacobson some questions about their comps and samplers to explore this important aspect of metal-dom.

***

M.I. So, Relapse has quite a few compilations, both free samplers and the inexpensive label compilations, name at least a couple that are your favs. I know, I know, it's like choosing between which of your kids is your favorite, blah... but seriously, pick a couple and explain their significance to you.

Matt: You are right, it is tough to pick... but my two favorites off-hand are ‘Corporate Death’ and the very first ‘Contaminated’. ‘Corporate Death’ was our first comp and it was packed with killer music from Macabre and Mortician to Disrupt and Incantation. Most of all though, the art, text and over all package just made me laugh. We rented suits and took a bunch of pictures inside our CD pressing plant that had a narrative about the Relapse multi-death corporation! The front cover has a skyscraper with a Relapse logo on top. The funniest thing about it all is that a lot of people seemed to think that we were really some giant corporation... but really we were barely more then kids working out of the basement of a house! The first ‘Contaminated’ was just at a great time... lots of shit happing with Relapse and our bands in that era. That comp kicked off the series of comps of the same name. Plus, the overall package was something we were really happy with. It had a great cover, a mini Relapse discography inside and a fold out poster that featured beautiful photography / artwork of my friends wife naked in rope bondage with a gas mask on (editor's note: said artist is Relapse regular, and general awesome dude Paul Romano). Good stuff!

M.I. Did any bands ever take issue with either being on the samplers or the choice of song used? I mean, Mortician for example, you might as well just roll the dice for their selection of songs, they're all so similar, but I'd imagine some artists are a little more picky...? 

Matt: I am sure that happened with a track selection here and there but I can’t recall any examples off hand.

M.I. Personally I got into a lot of Relapse bands from your comps, specifically 'Spectrum Fest' (which came out late ‘96/early ’97) and the early '99 sampler "Solid: Strip Mining the Underground..." - What can you remember about each of them?

Matt: There was ‘Spectrum Fest’ and ‘Spectrum Ale’ samplers... both had killer artwork and were full of great stuff. We even brewed a super limited edition promotional micro brew beer around that campaign. ‘Solid…’, I remember that one being a challenge in that prior to that one the concept and themes for each sampler just came together without even trying. With ‘Solid…’ (tracklisting) it felt like we struggled to put it all together and I was concerned that it was a bit forced... but when it was all said and done it turned out great and most importantly it was filled with killer music that people responded to.

M.I. Assuming customer acquisition is priority #1 of label samplers/compilations, what other functions would you say these music collections helped to provide for Relapse?

Matt: I think our samplers also served to shape and convey our identity. Relapse historically has had broader/weirder scope then most other labels in our space and our samplers really did give people the chance to “sample” our music and learn about the range of things we were releasing.

M.I. Relapse definitely has a more broad/weird scope, and to tie in with the previous question, that's exactly one of the great things I liked about the 'Spectrum Fest' sampler. Specifically Trial of the Bow jumped out at me: what are they up to these days? They seemed to have faded into obscurity... 

Matt: Trial of the Bow was fantastic. I am not sure if you know, but before Trial of the Bow the members were 1/2 of Disembowelment. I think they went on to the teaching profession, design and music I believe. 

M.I. In the spirit of Metal Inquisition, that is exposing many of metal's moment's of hilarity (whether intentional or accidental - mainly the latter) can you share a funny or otherwise unbelievably true moment in relation to any of Relapse's past compilations?

Matt: We put out a free label sampler with cover art that looked like the Slayer logo, but instead of saying “Slayer” it said “Relapse”. It was meant to be both a homage and a parody. Not everyone saw it the way we intended. Not long after we started giving out the sampler we got a cease and desist letter from a law firm and also an angry phone call from someone representing the band. Nearly yelling, the person said, “Slayer has built this franchise and Slayer intends to protect it’s franchise in the same manor in which Coca-cola or Disney would protect theirs”. I thought, “That is pretty metal!” We were forced/intimidated into destroying all of the remaining CDs.

M.I. With the digital age progressing further, and labels doing more digital download samplers I have a feeling that actual CD samplers might eventually end up on the dusty shelf next to tape trading and other metal nostalgia. Your thoughts?

Matt: I have to agree. Everything changes. I’ll keep the CD sampler next to my laser discs!

***

I'm curious what others favorite Relapse samplers may be? Or how about any other metal label samplers in general?

Big (Fake) Amp Metal, a Genre is Born

2010-06-23T12:21:00.004-04:00

From the humble world of small-amp metal, today we take you to the the heights of big-amp metal. In the image above a long-rumored fact about metal is exposed...no, I'm not talking about the fact Tom Araya is a christian, or that Crisco runs through Kerry King's veins... but rather that bands like Immortal don't really own that many Marshall stacks. Makes sense, since they go through the PA system, and black metal is all about appearances anyway...but it's still funny. I wonder if the second bass drum even has a pedal attached to it.

Small-Amp metal, the genre lives on

2010-06-21T12:11:00.004-04:00

I've spoken before about the metal genre known as "small amp metal". In said sub-genre, the majority of the amps used by the band's musicians are generally shorter than the stage upon which they are playing. Long thought to be extinct, small amp metal (SAM for short) seems to be resurfacing slowly, much in the same way that creatures first rose from the primordial ooze. It's with this in mind that I share this video with you. Please pay close attention to the singer's amazing vocal abilities. Also notice that at :31 seconds, I think the singer utters the line "she has wonderful titties"

Thanks to reader Omair for sending this in.

It's official, I'm old and no longer understand what these young whippersnappers are into

2010-06-07T09:50:00.006-04:00

I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time. As someone who aged prematurely, the day when youngsters and the music they produce would cease to make sense was sure to come. Well, it has arrived. I would imagine that many of you have already heard this band, I certainly hadn't...so I'd like to share it with those of you who are in the dark about such musical developments. Much like my grumpy old neighbor, the one who's always angry and fails to understand even the most basic aspects of life today, I too shall be fading into the sunset.

via All Hail The Black Market

Nocturno Culto. The man, the legend....the fisherman.

2010-05-19T16:57:00.002-04:00

R.I.P. DIO

2010-05-18T17:10:00.001-04:00

Ronnie James Dio
(July 10, 1942 – May 16, 2010)

Mick Harris. The man, the legend...the fisherman.

2010-04-28T12:29:00.003-04:00

Metal Soundtrack Fail Pt. I

2010-04-22T00:40:00.008-04:00

When I was first getting excited about music, it was the early 90s. I mean EXCITED, like insatiable. Being raised in the northwest, this was around the grunge boom, so there was a lot of pride and enthusiasm about some of the great bands coming out at the time – Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, Nirvana, etc. Having been raised on a steady diet of Kiss and other hard rock/metal bands up to that point (thanks to a couple of uncles and an older brother) it was a matter of time till I cranked out the tunes on my own shiny new stereo.

It was just before my 12^th birthday when I had enough money saved that I could buy my first home stereo (not a cheap portable one, I mean a REAL DEAL stereo) – I was pumped. Fortunately, I had enough money saved that there was enough dough left over to buy a couple albums also. I bought Pearl Jam’s debut record and (deep breath/admission of guilt…) the ‘Wayne’s World’ soundtrack…

I know, I know… but come on. I was 12 at the time. I saw Black Sabbath, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queen, Jimi Hendrix were on the soundtrack and that was enough for me at the time. Not very metal in hindsight, but we all gotta earn our wings along the way. What I realized looking back is that I have owned more than a few embarrassing metal soundtracks. Seriously, WHY are so many soundtracks that cater to metal-loving audiences missing the mark?! (Even more back in the day I would say) Sure some got close to being good, but often times the movie was so stupid it often tainted the songs it seemed to promote. In that vein, please take a stroll with me down memory lane:

About a year later I scored the ‘Last Action Hero’ soundtrack. The movie boarders on ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ level of laughability, but at the time it was your standard-issue Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick safe for younger viewers. However, the soundtrack gave me a shot in the arm of more metal (Megadeth, Anthrax, Alice In Chains and others), the Megadeth song in particular was the one to hook me. I also thought the Fishbone track was pretty heavy and I had never heard of them at the time so it was cool discovering new bands through soundtracks. In hindsight, I can appreciate how the movie actually played a good number of the songs on the soundtrack throughout the movie, but there’s always a “stain” of cheesiness thanks to the movie being less than cool to most self-respecting metalheads.

It was roughly a year afterwards when a movie came out called ‘Airheads’, I’m sure most of you have heard of. With a cast of Steve Buscemi, Brenden Fraiser, and Adam Sandler as a power trio metal band I expected a bit more from this flick. It wasn’t necessarily terrible, but it’s still considered a bit of a blemish on those actors track records. However, you put unreleased songs from Prong, White Zombie and Anthrax on the soundtrack and – you guessed it – I bought it. Unfortunately the rest of the soundtrack, with a couple exceptions, is pretty shitty. Bonus points though for band’s name in the movie: The Lone Rangers (makes me think of the band Two Lone Swordsmen) – pluralizing a singular object = thumbs up.

About six months later I picked up the 'Demon Knight' soundtrack. Of the four soundtracks listed here, I’d say this one is the clear winner. Featuring songs from Machine Head, Pantera, Ministry, Sepultura, Biohazard, and the Melvins you bet your ass I was blaring this thing like only a 14 year old would. I honestly can’t even really remember the movie’s plot, it was a ‘Tales From The Crypt’ movie so I’m sure it was pretty much ‘by the numbers’ but hey, I dug the shock and awe that came with the action and horror. The soundtrack also had an awesome song by Gravediggaz. For starters, they rap about horror themes – amazing! Secondly, with as little hip-hop/rap diet in my system at the time, this one song made me feel like I was instantly deep in the street (this street happened to be in the suburbs in Washington state) – again, 14 year old mentality here. So all in all, this soundtrack didn’t burnout like the others, in fact, I’d say it’s pretty rad. But, and this is a big “but” here, it also had the Filter song “Hey Man, Nice Shot”. The reason this offense is so grievous is purely contextual. You see, from this time onwards for many years, hell, I even STILL hear it used, this song has been the staple for any and damn near ALL action scenes for clichéd Hollywood action movie trailers. Seriously, stop and think about it for just a few seconds: how many movies have you seen where either in the movie itself or in the trailer you hear that bassline from the beginning of the song (rather ominous, eh?) and then the angry, loud chorus riding shotgun to explosions, gun shots and fight scenes. IT DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY. This song is sooooo over-used and greatly lowers the average of metal's influence to the world (you KNOW more random strangers would recognize this song over a typical Metallica or Pantera song through simple repetition alone) - point is: metal doesn't need Filter, arguably not even a proper metal band, to represent our stereotypes. I bet the band is getting royalty checks like you wouldn’t believe for how many times clips of this song get played (runner-up would be White Zombie’s ‘More Human Than Human’ – especially in the mid-late 90s). I’m pinning it’s prolificacy on this soundtrack because of two main reasons, A) It’s used blatantly and obviously in the intro credits, and B) It was the first place this song actually appeared. It preceded its official release by at least a few months on this soundtrack. That’s right, the first domino was tipped over HERE on the ‘Demon Knight’ soundtrack… “Thanks”, now we’re all sick of this song and instantly are left with a sour taste in our mouth for any movie daring to beat this dead horse.

Are there any good, older metal soundtracks out there that deliver the goods?

What early to mid 90s soundtracks am I forgetting here? Help me out… I’m going for just the cheesy ones, but hell, even if you can name good ones, it’s all about nostalgia. Part II is already in the pipline, and be warned, it dips its toe into the nu-metal pool.

Metal Mens' Members

2010-04-05T01:00:00.007-04:00

The world of metal will never have a shortage of terrible album covers. It’s been written up on Metal Inquisition many times in the past, and it’s honestly an institution as precious as life itself to make fun of them.

Rather than just shotgun blast some of the downright hilarious covers out there, I wanted to address those particular pieces of album artwork that really added an extra “x-factor” of “WTF?!” via sexual innuendo, homo-erotic latency, and just plain bad “quality control” with regard to a band’s message.

For starters: Impaled Nazarene, despite having been around since the early 90s, have always been mediocre at best (let’s just be honest). While I can’t blame their artwork for their towing of the line for many years, I’m sure it hasn’t helped - I mean, take a look at 2003’s ‘All That You Fear’. From the first time I ever saw this album art I wondered, “Why would an extreme metal band disgrace the pentagram on the cover with a bunch of severed penises strewn about on it?” I honestly thought it was their attempt at going all “next level” with regard to blasphemy by having rotting penises on their album cover. I thought this for years. Until one day, I actually saw this record up close and took a real good look at it; turns out those are maggots/larvae on the front. Okay, so they’re not penises like I thought, but if the maggots on your album art look JUST like penises that I go literally years without a second thought, is it my bad eyesight at fault or your shitty album art at fault here? I know I can’t be the only one that at least did a double take.

Following right along in a similar example is Kaamos, good ‘ol Swedish death metal with some of that Sunlight Studios sound that I enjoy. However, with their album ‘Lucifer Rising’ I was perplexed to see an otherwise pretty bad-ass looking devil shoving some severed dicks in his mouth. I mean, I knew the devil didn’t give a fuck, but this was surprising. Truthfully, this one isn’t as bad as Impaled Nazarene’s, and I discovered shortly after that it was actually naked bodies he was shoving in his mouth, but for the first few times I saw this cover it made me think of the devil getting down with Saddam Hussein from the South Park movie.

This next one requires some imagination, but it’s great for two reasons: 1) It bags on a Christian band (which is like the consolation prize in my book), and 2) It’s based on a true story. So, take a look at this album art from the band Zao. This is a good example how quality control can save your ass and a load (pun to follow shortly) of embarrassment. The ORIGINAL cover for this album (here's where you use your imagination) had a lot more of the white drips from the top of the head and off the Zao logo (you can see a couple white drips around the ‘Z’ and the ‘A’). So increase the amount of white drips, but also make the tie this character is wearing about one-and-a-half to twice as big as you see here and you have… that’s right, a dick that just blew its load all over this person’s face (as a bonus: is this person on the cover male or female?). Naturally, with a lot of album art, this went through revisions till the official version you see here, but still, imagine what could have been…

Gorgoroth – ‘Ad Majorem Sathanas Gloriam’ I can’t be the first person to look at this cover retro-actively with a profound sense of homo-eroticism, can I? It’s like everyone’s reaction when Rob Halford came out, and there was that sense of “ah-ha!” due to all of the writing on the wall (leather/bondage outfits, lyrics, etc.). I love this record, and at the time (as with I think the majority of fans out there) didn’t know Gaahl was gay – I don’t care if he’s gay or straight and I’ll probably follow his other projects he’s in, but in my third grade style of humor when I see this album cover now, with the two men on the front, I think two things: 1) Foreshadowing (like with Halford), and 2) That looks like a monster hickey is being given.

Alright, let’s do a quick lightning round, since I don’t want to take up too much of your time:

Blood Bath – ‘The Fathomless Mastery’ I’m sure the album title plays into the explanation of the scenario on this album cover, but I don’t know what it’s referencing, and let’s just play with open cards here: your album art features 98% naked, old, emaciated men, wearing just loincloths and writhing around each other.

Darkane – ‘Layers of Lies’ You might see a sci-fi themed album cover juxtaposing the abstract relationship of man, the universe and multi-dimensionality. I see a man, wearing leopard print tights, bound with rope, having the universe take a piss in his mouth.

Belphegor – ‘Bondage Goat Zombie’ Here’s a good example of how “less is more” for metal album covers. There gets to be so many layers it’s distracting, you lose your focus/message and in addition to confusing your fans, it just doesn’t look good. Case in point: I shouldn’t have to try and reason with myself if this album art is gross because it’s a male or female goat wearing thigh-high stockings and a garter belt, it’s just gross either way.

In case I get a good helping of flack, let me just say, as I mentioned above, I enjoy these bands, and yes, I'm sure there's a "you see what you want to see" type of joke/comment to follow... But, in any event, can you think of any others to add to the above list?

Terrorizer shill for "The Secret History of Death Metal"

2010-03-29T12:34:00.010-04:00

What is your favorite once-good European metal magazine named after an overrated grindcore band?? If you answered Metal Hammer, that was my first thought as well, but our good friends at Terrorizer also publish a magazine that used to be good. In a desperate attempt to survive in te dying print publishing business, they are releasing a "Secret History of Death Metal" special issue or something like that. For some reason, we wanted to know more, so we hit up deputy editor James Hoare (lol, what a last name). Thanks to James, and be sure to head over to Terrorizer's site and pick one of these things up!

In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Terrorizer currently owns 50% of Metal Inquisition (the other 50% is held by a variety of business entities including Century Media and Red Flag Media).

It is my understanding that you are trying to drum up interest/pre-orders for Terrorizer's new "Secret History of Death Metal" special issue or something. Please give us more information on your product and/or service.
“This really is shameless and if it’s any consolation, I feel like a whore. Terrorizer’s Secret History Of… Death Metal is an absolute beast of a one-off, prestige issue that as far as humanly possible makes the best stab at documenting the story of death metal, across the world and across the various subgenres. I’ve got me some mad loves for Albert Mudrian’s ‘Choosing Death’ [check out our interview with him here] and Daniel Ekeroth’s ‘Swedish Death Metal’, and it’s a testament to this bad boy’s journalistic prowess that when I read some of the features on more over-covered topics (Florida, Sweden etc), I wasn’t bored in the slightest. Get this down you, it’s not boring.

--

I tried so, so hard to come up with a better example of "highly average death metal" but I just couldn't

What *is* the secret history of death metal?? In your answer, please explain how the following bands fit in: Jungle Rot, Benediction, Mortification, Malevolent Creation, and Vengeance Rising.
The theme here is charmingly mediocre death metal, of which I have a strange, yet completely arbitrary, tolerance of. For example, I’d take a bullet for Benediction and I talk about Jungle Rot a surprisingly amount, but I think Mortification are a sad and joyless Geocities homepage of a band. You’ll be delighted to learn that a surprising volume of dull and derivative c-list bands are involved, because their perspective on the genre and its story is usually a lot more interesting than Morbid Angel’s – there’s a whole section on the Netherlands and if that doesn’t scream mediocrity (one half-way interesting Pestilence album aside) than nothing does.

The secret history of death metal probably, definitely involves Nazi U-Boats hollowing out the Earth’s core to win the trust of the lizard people.

I have not seen this issue, but I assume there is a chapter on wigger slam. What are the contents of this chapter? What is your personal opinion on slam metal?
The UK tends to be a lot more homogenised in its trends, it’s a small country and since we stopped fighting wars to preserve our ancient right to drink tea on a pile of a far away nation’s indigenous dead, dumb kids can be relied upon to largely guzzle from the same fetid trough of bullshit. The wigger slam you’re talking about travels about as well as Christian metalcore does, so mostly the proud saplings that will one day become English oak are all rubbing one out to shriek-shriek windmilling deathcore (which was big in the States about five years ago), swaggering rocky hardcore (which was big in the States about five years ago) or Hollywood Undead (which was big in the States about five minutes ago).

The super elitist and incestuous underground UKDM scene, however, fucking love their slamz and every other band is worshipping at the jism-flecked alter of Devourment – which is ironic, given as derivatively ripping off American bands is one of the reasons why they think deathcore sucks. In conclusion, slamz are br00tz and make me shake my b00ty.

"I’d take a bullet for Benediction and I talk about Jungle Rot a surprising amount, but I think Mortification are a sad and joyless Geocities homepage of a band"

Check out Ingested, they're possibly the closest thing we have to proper US-style New Era cap wigger slam and ran the whole gauntlet from being a sportswear clad underground anomaly to being liked by scene kids and therefore hated by the people who liked them five minutes ago because they deigned to be successful. That's a little microcosm of scene politics right there.

Terrorizer has featured a nearly endless stream of washed up/horrible/generic black metal bands on the cover lately (much to my dismay, since I am forced to write about them). Why the sudden interest in death metal? Black metal or death metal: which is better and why?
Turgid middle-of-the-road black metal always has a slight edge over turgid middle-of-the-road death metal in that turgid middle-of-the-road black metal bands can usually be relied upon to look interesting and if good death metal bands still think standing in front of a chain-link fence in sweats is totally rad, what hope is there for the turgid middle-of-the-road ones? Satyricon especially, their current Armani model look is super krieg. The bottom line is the cover’s got to look good, otherwise nobody will buy it and read your venomous, mean-spirited column.

One of the best parts of death metal history is all the compilations like At Death's Door, Corporate Death, Grindcrusher, and Death Is Just The Beginning (see Retroview: Classic 90s generic death metal compilations for more). Which is your favorite and least favorite of these? What in God's fucking name were Relapse thinking when they greenlighted the Convulse album?? (Please choose a non-committal, boring answer to avoid offending any advertisers)
Oh wow, these things are all equal in my eyes – terrible ‘Warhammer’ supplement cover art, three good bands and eight tracks of Central European filler, or in shorthand, Morgoth. That was a simpler age wasn’t it? I think the ‘Death… Is Just The Beginning’ series were the best, because at that point Nuclear Blast had enough of a roster to do these things entirely in house and unlike Earache and Roadrunner who at least made an effort to single out the bands they thought were interesting, Nuclear Blast dropped a stick dynamite into the lake and signed whatever floated to the surface. As a result 'Death... Is Just The Beginning' is a perfect storm of bands you'd never hear from again (Napalm Death side-project Defecation, Paul Speckmann's thrash outfit Abomination, Toxic Shock), bands who went on to be a whole new kind of awful (disco-disco-techno-disco Atrocity and Hypocrisy) and bands who just continued along the same path for the next fifteen or twenty years (Dismember, Benediction, Sinister, Master, Macabre etc).

Relapse had Amorphis too didn’t they? Someone over there clearly got Moomin fever in the early ‘90s. That non-committal and boring enough for you? I was actually listening to this album a few nights ago and I genuinely cannot think of anything to say about it other than the intro sounds like 'Duke Nukem' incidental music.

--

I thought Morgoth were pretty good back in the day... but then again, I also liked Bif Naked :(

Another part of death metal history I miss is PIT Magazine, which I read religiously along with Terrorizer (back when Terrorizer was still good). PIT was sweet because it looked like they made it with Microsoft Publisher and I think it was the first time I heard about bands like Dismembered Fetus, Dying Fetus, Cephalic Carnage (back when they were still good), and Internal Bleeding. On the other hand, they also wrote about Jungle Rot far too often. Do you remember PIT? What other magazines did you like back in the day?
I was reading Metal Maniacs long before I was reading Terrorizer, there was a newsagents by the train station in the shitty town where I went to university and they always had a few import titles – so I always picked up Metal Maniacs (for the billion pages of size 3 type), Alternative Press (to see what homegrown cat Aids had made its way to the US and was being rebranded as the New Wave Of XYZ) and Hardcore Ink (because at this point in my life I lived for Undying, this point in my life was very, very boring). I compulsively read everything.

James enjoys novelty headwear and decades-old thrash bands who are adored for no apparent reason

You also ran a two-part "History of Metalcore" feature recently. I was thrilled to see you mention Above All and Unborn, two of my favorite 90s UK metalcore bands. From what I can tell you are more of a d-beat/grindcore kind of guy, so what is your take on metalcore? Which member of Winds of Plague would you choose to have anal with and do you think (s)he would enjoy it??
I stayed out of that whole thing because it was still a little bit too close for me, I only broke edge and eBayed my Eighteen Visions t-shirt four years ago. I even liked Eighteen Visions more then they became Stone Temple Hatebreed and the world's definitely a sadder place without them. I've sort of returned to hardcore recently through d-beat and I'm utterly surprised to discover that I still have a lot of time for some good, solid chug, which is nice because people who lose touch with their musical indescretions turn into exactly the same sort of people who beat their chests and carp on about 'deathcore faggotry'.

"I was actually listening to the Convulse album a few nights ago and I genuinely cannot think of anything to say about it other than the intro sounds like 'Duke Nukem' incidental music."

I saw Winds Of Plague supporting Shai Hulud the first time they were over in the UK, and then I had the misfortune to see them again, as well as Born Of Osiris, on the Summer Slaughter tour last year. I can really see no redeeming feature to this band, except for the fact that I'm not listening to them right now – they can have a flapjack for that. Symphonic deathcore has a high enough percentage of absolute wackness without them having their own Bleeding Through.”

Finally, the other day I was trying to think of metal songs about farting but couldn't come up with any. Can you think of one??
Decapitated 'Human's Dust'

Buy "The Secret History of Death Metal"
Follow James on Twitter

My favorite venue

2010-03-23T17:51:00.003-04:00

As a world-renowned blogger, people ask me questions all the time in order to get my opinion about important topics in the world of metal. The one I'm asked most often is:

"What is the best venue that you've ever seen a show at?"

While I'm tempted to talk about that one strip club in Fort Lauderdale where I saw Exhorder, or the Eagle's Ballroom in Milwaukee where I saw Testament, Overkill, Downset and Body Count all in one day...I always come back to the same answer:

The loading dock at my uncle's lumber business. The acoustics were so good there that no band ever had to use amps taller than their knees. It was also cool because you could park on stage with the band, as you'll see in the second video. Yes, it was there, at the loading dock that I saw some of the sweetest shows in metal history. Luckily, these days EVERYTHING is on YouTube. Thank god for the internets.

Metal Cruise: The end of an era

2010-02-25T05:53:00.001-05:00

As though we needed further proof that metal is either dead or on life support, today I received news of a disaster of grand proportions. What am I talking about you ask? I'm talking about the 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise. Proving to everyone that metal is an aging art form (okay maybe calling it an "art form" is a stretch), as are its practitioners and fans. Featuring such hot metal acts as Sodom, Amon Amarth, Raven and Trouble, the cruise is being described as such:

Imagine starting the year in style. In January 2011, 40 Heavy Metal bands and 2,000 fans will go to the Caribbean to take over the luxury cruise ship "Majesty of the Seas" for a 5 day and 4 night trip of a lifetime.

Make no mistake, this is not one of the cruises where you share the ship with regular cruise guests... This is 100% Heavy Metal! Tons of onboard live shows on several in and outdoor stages, open mic nights, bars that never close, a fun-and-sun-filled day on the beautiful island of Cozumel

Can you imagine being stuck on a ship full of fat, aging metal fans? Notice that the ship will be going to Cozumel, Mexico. So I think you can expect that members of Mexican thrash trio Toxodeth will be working as short order cooks. Can you imagine the quality of the performances that will take place on the "open mic nights"? Perhaps members of Raven will do their latest slam poetry...who knows, perhaps members of Sodom will showcase their new hilarious ventriloquist act, which features a masked puppet modeled after their numerous album covers.

Look, I don't fault these guys for trying to cash in just a bit. I don't fault them for trying to get a free vacation, particularly when their idiototic fans are willing to play along. Why not? I do, however, reserve the right to shake my head in disbelief in a manner that would have made an 11 year old version of me proud. A godamned cruise? Seriously? Metal bands aren't even supposed to be exposed to sunlight (much like Gremlins)...aside from that one time that Kreator showed off their sweet beach bods. There was also the seldom-talked about incident that Mayhem fans refer to as the "belly shirt we shall not speak of".

Yes, perhaps I'm in denial. Perhaps I'd like to keep the world as I saw it in earlier times. Metal seemed cool to me when I was young due in great part to its mystique. It was dark, unknown and potentially dangerous. I was 11 then...so perhaps it's time I just grow the hell up, sign up and go on the cruise with my old lady. Who knows, I may even enjoy Raven's poetry slam.

Freedom Isn't Free

2010-02-23T13:19:00.001-05:00

via Student Loans For Beer Money

Former GORGOROTH Frontman Named "Homosexual Of The Year!"

2010-02-05T14:30:00.028-05:00

Gaahl posing with his 19-year-old "girlfriend" Robin Jakobsen.

I'm sure you've all noticed that we've become increasing lazy here at Metal Inquisition and our posting is infrequent at best. The truth is we're all very busy people, myself included. You see I finally signed up for Netflix and their watch instantly feature is taking over my life! I have a LOT of catching up to do with Doctor Who and the final season of L O S T just started, so I can't promise that I'll be posting with any sort of regularity in the near future, but still, from time to time there comes a post that practically writes itself that I simply cannot resist and this is one of those posts.

According to Blabbermouth, everyone's favorite gay black metaller and former Gorgoroth vocalist, Gaahl, was recently voted "Homosexual of the Year" at the Bergen Gay Galla. "Various awards were presented to persons and institutions that have contributed to the gay community in Bergen, Norway." I don't know how many gays there are in Bergen, but I'm going to guess that there's quite a few and our man Gaahl beat them all to win the most prestigious award! Congratulation, Gaahl, you earned it!

Now go here to read the hilarious Google translation of a Norwegian newspaper article about Gaahl and his 19-year-old "girlfriend."

See you guys next month for my in-depth review of the new Burzum album!

It's like Abruptum, only with an undercut. In a trailer park.

2010-01-25T13:15:00.004-05:00

I could try to write something more clever, but there is not much to say other than the obvious: In this video, some white trash kid plays a solo black metal show on the patio of his trailer.

--

Oh to be young again

At first it's just him shrieking by himself, but later in the video he attempts to get some of the half-dozen people watching to scream "I hate people." I like the idea of mandatory audience participation, but not as much as I like his undercut. All he needs is an Ugly Kid Joe baja jacket and his look is complete.

The funniest part, though, is that the song is pretty sick, at least at the beginning-- it makes me think of, say, Abruptum meets Dystopia, and you could do a lot worse than that combination. Don't get me wrong, the kid has no talent and the song falls apart very quickly, but it starts on a promising note.

I just Photoshopped this, but I will pay a king's ransom for a garment like it if you ever come across one

But this intriguing video begs many questions: Where are the other band members? How did he force these 6 neighborhood teens to watch his performance?? What is he up to now? (I am guessing he drives a Frito-Lay delivery truck in the greater Indianapolis area) When will undercuts make a comeback????

Nocturno Culto Popping A Wheelie In Front Of His Castle

2010-01-19T10:25:00.005-05:00

If there's one thing that all of us at Metal Inquisition love, it would have to be the first Crash Test Dummies album. Aside from that, we are all united by our love of footage featuring high-ranking figures in the metal world performing amazing physical feats. It's with that in mind that I present you with this long-awaited footage: Nocturno Culto popping a wheelie.

Not to be outdone, Fenriz posed for this picture as quickly as he could.

Thanks to John for the heads up.

Internet potpourri

2010-01-07T16:10:00.008-05:00

Happy new year kids! Here are some recent finds from my most recent internet travels.

File under "When will every American Apparel store finally burn to the ground?"

Let's face it, we now live in a world where deep-v neck t-shirts reign supreme as the preferred article of clothing for men. As such, anyone who corners the market on such attire will surely control fashion and retail altogether. Enter, not the droids, but American Apparel. You know the place, the one were the effeminate dudes with mustaches work. Well, it seems they have recently caught on to this wild new musical style tearing up the charts, black metal. I believe Nicolas Cage's son may have tipped them off, to tell you the truth. What's next? Will fashion magazines use black metal as a theme for photoshoots?

Who tucks in a tshirt, especially one with printing on it? Godamn.

_____________________________________________________

File under "I told you so"

Only 15 years too late, fashion magazines are picking up on black metal as a theme for photo shoots. You see, I told you so! What's perhaps saddest about all this, is that somewhere in the rural U.S. some fatso with a Craddle Of Filth shirt and bondage pants is getting all pissed off about this. "How could they exploit my beloved musical style?", said fatso asks...when in reality, he should be asking "Why do I sweat gravy?"

I myself don't care. Not only do I not care, but I'm also not going to take great pride in having known about Dark Throne back in 1991. That's a bit like bragging about how you were the one that discovered the super disgusting piece of shit in a public bathroom. We know, we know, you were the first one to find it, and point out the pieces of corn in it. Hooray for you.

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File under "WTF"?
Actor Sir Christopher Lee (who played Dracula) is set to release a metal album. Lee holds the Guiness World Record for acting in the most movies with sword fights in them...so he's certainly no stranger to being rad, and being into Manowar. Mr. Dracula appears to be the British William Shatner, since he's put out numerous novelty songs and albums. You can check out some of his musical abilities here. He has also themed up with douchebags Rhapsody before. Check it:

Anyone remember the Pat Boone metal album?

Props to Mr John Prolly for the heads up on this one.

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A few Colombian video treats

2009-12-21T11:31:00.006-05:00

As a kid in Colombia I worshiped Kraken. Please check out the videos below and find out why. Lucho suggests I mention the mullets. i think they speak for themselves...

As I grew older and realized how shitty Kraken was, I moved to to Masacre:

That's all I got. Follow me on twitter, bitches!

Where are they now: Girl from Danzig's "Mother" video

2009-12-11T09:21:00.009-05:00

If you were anything like me during the early 90's, you probably stayed up every saturday night to watch Headbanger's Ball. Sure, they mostly played Trixter and LA Guns videos...but once a while a gem would come up. Around 1990 or so, the best you could hope for was Anthrax or maybe Danzig. For my money, the Mother video was about the best one they could show. While other metal videos were filled with nothing but shirtless dudes, Danzig knew his fan base and always put semi-decent chicks in his videos. "Mother" was a prime example of this. Although I never found the two girls to be all that great looking, I often wonder where they are these days. Were they low-level porno actresses who still live in a lair under Danzig's house? Were they Eerie Von's cousins from Indiana? The ones that were willing to do anything in order to make it in Hollywood, and now work at diaper factory Bakersfield? Well, thanks to Metal Inquisition, you don't have to wonder anymore. I happened upon a video of a woman dancing to the famed song here, and quickly figured out who she was. That's right...she's still alive. Barely. She's still dancing to "Mother" too. Her face also looks like it caught on fire, and the fire was put out with soccer cleats. Watch and learn:

Aside from dancing to Mother, she takes requests and will dance to your band's music. She'll also show up to your band's show (if your band is a Pearl Jam cover band) and dance awkwardly on stage while people cringe.

Oh, and did I mention that she believes Glenn Danzig put a curse on her during the taping of the video?

While I believe that the videos above answer many questions that have always surrounded the Mother video, many are still unanswered. For example: Why is Glenn's mouth always triangular in shape?

Also, what was that thing that was on fire supposed to be? A torch? Glenn's fist?

I guess we'll never know.

Metal Inquisition Archives: Oh the memories

2009-12-08T09:13:00.007-05:00

Last night, as I went down into the basement to do laundry (my butler is on vacation), I saw the Metal Inquisition archives sitting on the shelf ,where they have been for some months now. As you may all know by now, the Smithsonian has gone back on their word regarding admitting our files into their permanent collection. It's for that reason that the archives have been sitting there, collecting dust, waiting for one of the M.I. interns to catalog and sift through the endless amount of material that my brother and I collected over the years. Since that has yet to happen (Sergeant D has all of our interns busy washing his new car), I thought I should take matter into my own hands. As I began to wash my whites (aside from properly naming my mp3 files, I'm also diligent about separating my colored clothing from my whites during the wash cycle), I thought I would skim through the archives and see what I could uncover to share with you. I opened the lid, and this is what I found. Hope you enjoy it.

Right now you're probably thinking to yourself "What? A flower? Is Lucho one of them gays?" Well, let me explain. First of all, let me tell you that saying "them gays" makes you sound retarded. Second of all, if you were at all into true metal, you'd recognize the signature at the bottom. That's right bitches, this flower was drawn by none other that Obituary's Trevor Peres. Some of you may question my metal credentials...but let me ask you this: How many Trevor Peres original pieces of art hang on your walls? Zero? I thought so.

This fine piece of metal ephemera dates back to 1992. My brother and I had just moved from Miami to the god damned midwest. Within a week of moving, we saw that Obituary would be playing, and also doing an in-store appearance in a suburban strip mall. We boarded my mom's Subaru, and off we went to meet our metal heroes. I remember that that Obituary arrived in a slightly dated, slightly beat up white limo. You know what's more embarrassing than arriving in a sub-par limo? Well, how about arriving in a sub-par limo when there are only like eight people there to see you. That's exactly what happened. Since there were so few people there, we all got a fair amount of time to talk to the band...which I'm sure they just loved. What else would any band like more than sitting there talking to a teenage version of me. Doesn't that sound like fun? Because I had so much time with them, I got them to sign every single Obituary thing I owned. Due to the extreme boredom that the band members were enduring, Trevor mostly sat there drawing flowers. This struck me as funny, since he looked exactly like the Cryptkeeper's ugly brother. I asked if I could have one of the flowers, he looked at me kinda' funny..and gave it to me. I asked him to sign it, and he again looked at me funny. Was it worth it? Hell yes!

My brother and I used to sit at our desks for hours upon hours making beautiful artwork roughly based on the covers of our favorite records. This one was done by my brother, at a time when he was rightfully obsessed with Sacred Reich. I mean, aside from their awful name (seriously, "Reich"?) the band ruled his/our world. I love how the band's logo is dripping blood, the skull character is all creepy looking and yet "the american way" is rendered in such a happy, swoopy typeface. In case you're wondering, this piece dates back to 1992 also. Pencil on notebook paper. It will be available at the Metal Inquisition auction through Sotheby's next spring.

I never liked Flotsam and Jetsam. Did anyone? This picture dates back to 1993, when they were still being billed as "the band that Jason Newsted used to be in." They toured with Death that summer, along with Epidemic. I'm not sure how, but I got backstage at that show. I remember seeing Gene Hoglan trip as he went up the stairs backstage. He had a cane, and could barely move at all. I was told by two people, right after he tripped, that he had fallen off the drum riser two nights earlier in Detroit. The cause? Both people said Gene took massive amounts of speed, and would often loose basic coordination as a result. Who the hell knows if that's true. The other thing I remember about that night was how amazing Death were. They were touring for Human, and the audience was insanely happy to see them. Flotsam and Jetsam must have seen the writing on the wall. Thrash was over, and the best they were able to do was to try to look "grunge". They were so confused, and I felt so bad for them. Their music was slow, boring and went nowhere. Many would describe Death in the same manner...but that's besides the point.

I found this picture backstage, sitting on a small desk in a hallway. I looked at it, and noticed one of the guys from Flotsam and Jetsam looking at me. I felt bad passing up the picture as he was looking at me, so I picked it up and put it in my pocket. After the show, there was a huge fight between like twenty skinheads in the parking lot. Why were there so many skinhads at metal shows in the early 90s? These were not just metal dudes with shaved heads and boots, but full-on skinheads with stupid Vespa patches on their jackets. Weird.

Last but not least, I present you with this: my brother's book cover for his Chem 1 textbook, circa 1992. Although I was pretty good at bustin' out some metal art...my brother was the king. His lettering was always much better, and his pentagrams always looked way sweeter. I know you can't see this in the scan I'm posting, but "Lombardo" has a whited-out mistake. When I looked at it closely, it appears as though it was originally spelled "Lombrado", and later fixed. I had a few book covers just like this one, which my brother was nice enough to make for me. I loved them, but in retrospect realize that these things worked like girl kryptonite. Oh well. It was all worth it. Wasn't it?

A TRIBUTE 2 BURZUM

2009-12-05T09:59:00.003-05:00

I GOT DRUNKST LAST NITE AND WAS ALL LIKE "FUCKIN BURZUM FUCK YEAH:" I WAS LOOKING AT HIS BURZUM.ORG AND PUT TOGHER SOME OF MY FAVORITE BURZUM PICS WITH A SONG THAT GETS ME PUMPED FOR THE RACE WAR CHECK IT OUT PLZ COMMENT I HOPE U LIKE IT

ALSO PLEASE SUBSCRIBE/ADD ME ON YOUTUBES

Buy a Metal Sucks shirt designed by Sgt D

2009-11-27T00:02:00.004-05:00

I designed this shirt for our friends at Metal Sucks. They asked me to post a link on here so they would sell more. Apparently it's currently the 2nd best-selling design, please buy one because we want to be number fucking one! And don't worry, they know they're selling to fans of a metal blog, so it comes in XL.

Click here to buy

Peep my Flickr for more of my work

They have some other designs that aren't as cool, so if you don't like mine you can settle for one of these:

Best of luck to our favorite metal Jewbags! Help out our Semite internet metal bros and buy one of each!

Fuck You! I like Hatebreed.

2009-11-25T10:10:00.001-05:00

Good lord, I remember a time when Hatebreed would be booked to play a little coffee shop in my town like every two months. Half of the time, they wouldn't show up...but still. Times have changed.

Thanks again to Marne for the heads up.

Interpretative Iron Maiden Dance

2009-11-24T05:22:00.000-05:00

Is this Lady Gaga's retarded cousin?

Hammer Smash Your Enemies: Hatebreed / Cannibal Corpse show review

2009-11-23T00:01:00.003-05:00

If you don't like Hatebreed, you're not my friend. It's as simple as that. And I know who my real friends are: my bros from Vile Gash, Weedsteeler and Homage Clothing who made the trek with me to catch the Hatebreed/Cannibal Corpse show a few weeks ago. If you're too boring and old to go, here's what you missed.

Born of Osiris = sick pitt riffment 2k9, deathcore style

Sumeriancore & Typewriters

The openers, Born of Osiris and Hate Eternal, proved that innovations in death metal come from both young and old bands. First up were Sumeriancore pioneers BoO, who brought the fucking mosh as only Sumerian bands can, combining chops with sick pitt riffment that got the crowd warmed up in spectacular fashion.

Here is a video of some high school fatties covering Born of Osiris in their high school gym. When their "fans" start moshing at :47 you will want to vomit with vicarious embarrassment, then wish you could spray everybody under 21 in the face with AIDS

I can't say the same for Hate Eternal, though. When they started playing, I thought someone was playing a recording of a Mavis Beacon typing tutorial, the clicking and clacking coming at such a furious pace that I thought the space bar was going to break in half. Then I realized it was their bass drum and threw myself on a sword.

File under inane-statements-of-fact: "This next song is about shooting blood out of your cock, it's called 'I Cum Blood.'"

Careers in Death Metal
I'll be honest, I wasn't really looking forward to see Cannibal Corpse, but I should have been. They fucking slayed, especially when they played shit off "Tomb of the Mutilated." Hearing those songs live made me remember how that record blew me away when it came out, and also that when I was in 10th grade my mom said "Please don't play Cannibal Corpse or The Accused before dinner, they make me lose my appetite!"

I'm sure you've seen this video of Corpsegrinder talking about his World of Warcraft guild or whatever, but if not, your life is incomplete!

I'm guessing the Cannibals are in their 40s by now, and I can't decide whether it's sad or awesome that they've made a career out of playing death metal. They're like the death metal version of the dad from the Wonder Years. When you ask them how their latest tour is going, they just grunt and say "Eh. Work's work," and go back to killing Night Elves.

YOU FUCKING BLEED NOW

"I don't need to be inspired by metal"

Many people talk a lot of shit about Hatebreed. Not that they need my support, but I need to say a few words about Hatebreed in general and their new album in particular. The most common memes among Hatebreed haters are "all their albums sound the same" and my personal favorite (from a Metal Sucks commenter) "I don't need to be inspired by metal."

"Wait, Chuck Schuldiner was GAY?!"

If that's the case for you, congratulations. I'm happy for you. Unfortunately for me, I need all the help I can get. I won't lie: 2k9 has been the hardest, most painful year of my entire life by far and I've listened to Terror and Hatebreed pretty much nonstop. Sometimes your life falls apart and you need to have Jamey Jasta screaming at you that "This day is worth living." When you're as down as I've been this year, "Never succumb to the war you fight in your heart" is exactly what you need to hear. Laugh if you want, but I sincerely love Hatebreed because their songs mean a lot to me and have helped me through some seriously fucked up times just like Black Flag, Terror, and Cro-Mags do/did.

I got this about two weeks ago and am going to get a "SMASH YOUR ENEMIES" tattoo soon. I will have not just one but TWO Hatebreed tattoos. That is how much I love Hatebreed!

"They changed it, now it sucks" & "They didn't change it, so it sucks"
Another common criticism among butthurt haters is that Hatebreed's albums all sound the same. First of all, that's not really true: the latest record, for example, is by far their most blatantly "metal" album, despite remaining 100% consistent with the Hatebreed sound. Second, what's so bad about that? As long as Jamey & crew keep coming up with new breakdowns and lyrics that keep me from sticking my head in the oven, I'll always be stoked on the band. And they're fucked either way: Whenever they do introduce something new such as the Crowbar-style clean vocals on the new album, the haters hate even more.

I don't give a fuck. All I know is that the new Hatebreed record has some of their hardest mosh parts to date and is arguably their best since "Perseverance," which is a nearly perfect album. If you like Hatebreed, you will like this record. If you don't, go listen to Xasthur while you beat off to noise CD-Rs and let me mosh with my bros.

One of the hardest fucking songs ever written. Amazing lyrics, insanely brutal and catchy riffs, and PERFECT video. If you think this is "cheesy" or "corny" your life has been too easy.

A la Carte Moshing, Irresponsible Breakdowns & Mosh Platforms
If you don't consider Hatebreed one of the best live bands of all time, you are a fool. Whether you like their music or not, you can't deny that they are a finely tuned mosh machine that knows how to get the party started like no other. In no particular order, here are some of my favorite parts of the show.

A la Carte Moshing: I didn't want to get all sweaty and get my leather seats all yucky, so I watched from the back of the venue and ran down to mosh it up for my favorite 3 or 4 songs (I think they were "As Diehard As They Come," "Perseverance" and "Proven"), then returned to the safety of the other old people by the bar.

Irresponsible Breakdowns: I hadn't heard any of the new songs live, and when I heard them play "Not My Master" and "Everybody Bleeds" I literally started laughing at how absurdly brutal the breakdowns were. If I was in Hatebreed and someone brought in a riff like, say, the meta-breakdown from "As Diehard As They Come" (listen to 1:30, holy fucking fuck) I think I would have to say something just to ease my conscience. "Dudes, remember that with great power comes great responsibility. We possess powers of mosh like nobody else on this planet, but we must use them wisely. I am afraid that riff is so fucking hard that people will die when we play it live. We can bring the mosh to the people for sure, but we may have their blood on our hands!!"

Jamey's mosh platforms. I like to think of them as they hardcore version of The Liberator.

Mosh Platforms: Jamey had two little platforms that he would stand on, jump off of, etc. I'm guessing that he's eaten shit onstage before from standing on a monitor or whatever only to have it slide out from under his feet. They say necessity is the mother of invention, and I salute Jamey for his innovations in moshing!!

Buy the new Hatebreed album here
Follow Jamey on Twitter

Postscript: More X Breakdowns X 4 U

For more innovations in breakdowns, check out Illinois' Demolisher- so, so fucking brutal! I am doing my best to hype this band so please check them out!

20 Year Old British Girl Falls In Love With Forced Entry (the band, you sicko!)

2009-11-19T20:07:00.012-05:00

It's no secret that I love Mountlake Terrace, Washington's Forced Entry slightly more than my own mother. Few things make me happier than hearing that I've gotten someone into what I consider to be the most underrated thrash band in history. With that in mind, you can imagine how excited I was when I got the following email while munching on chips and salsa at my favorite white-person Mexican restaurant. I could try to add some of my own commentary, but it would add nothing (all the photo comments are mine, though). This is the kind of content that fucking stands on its own! Thanks to Daru Jericho for sending this in. You are fucking legit, baby!!

***

If you don't love this song, you should seriously kill yourself right now. I'm not joking at ALL, bros. WE'RE A BUNCH OF DICKS, WE TELL IT LIKE IT IS!

Salutations,

This is an overdue e-mail.

I'm a fairly rabid reader of Metal Inquisition (what reader isn't rabid over there?) based across the pond in London, England. I'm twenty years old and have a vagina too which I like to think separates me a little from the standard MI demographic. Earlier this year, your blog introduced me to a fabulous band dubbed Forced Entry. After hearing As Above, So Below enough times to force the average person to legally change their name to Thunderhead, my life was changed and not in the "ZOMG, I TOTALLY NEED TO LIEK SHOW MY APPRECIATION FOR THIZ BAND BY GETTING A TATTOO ON MY BUTTCHEEK WHICH I'LL REGRET IN THREE YEARS TIME WHEN I GRO OUT OF THRASH MEHTUL!" kind of way.

This is my favorite Forced Entry song, a deep cut that's buried on side two of "As Above So Below." Listen to that fucking riff!!! Fucking THRASH!!!!!!!!

This band was so amazing that I decided to dedicate my summer to them (I assumed the summer would be dull because I'd just dumped my boyfriend of two years and was feeling identical to the mood of that ballad 'Never A Know but the No' and concentrated on Forced Entry to fill that gap that my boyfriend once did for some reason) when I finished uni in May, in honour of 'How We spent Our Summer Vacation', of course with my slogan for the next five months being "GET FUCKED UP!"

This little baby wasn't even born when the first Forced Entry demo came out! And by the way, how fucking sweet is this cover?? Fuck Municipal Waste's contrived bullshit, THIS is what a fucking demo looks like!

But I didn't stop at changing my MSN screen name to celebrate the occasion. I went one (or possibly two) steps further. I started getting wasted more often as you'd expect but I did specifics. To be loyal to the opening line of the song that started this "Jack Daniels goes down fine, a lot smoother than any wine," I reduced my intake of wine and imbibed copius amounts of Jack Daniels. Beer was a common standard and I also did a (cider - they had no beer) bong for the first time to match "Sucked the beer bong a little too long," and I had more than six tequila slammers ("Six tequila slammers, I'm too far gone!") but I'd never even had tequila before. The newish boyfriend that I obtained over the summer had six slammers along with some other shit and spent half the night sleeping on the bathroom floor.

Let's see the phony assbags in Toxic Holocaust have the balls to rock the Tony Benjamins "white trash rocker from Bothell" look!

But the possible highlight of this summer was going up to anyone (whilst drunk or sober, btw) - friends, strangers on the street, randomos at festivals, buskers, guys I was making out with...literally anyone - and playing my ace by asking "Hey baby, will you shit on my face?" A friend of mine who got caught up in my summer frenzy (who now loves 'How We Spent Our Summer Vacation' so one became two - see what I did there!?) did the same thing but outshined me by asking eight middle-aged women in a club within an hour to do it and they were all horrified.

"Bludgeon" from the first Forced Entry record. Seriously fucking brutal as fuck, even by today's standards. It makes my soul hurt that this band doesn't get more love!!!!!

I saw Forced Entry with the Accused several times. Can you imagine anything better when it's 1992 and you're 14?! I lost my fucking mind.

The reactions we got were pretty funny. Some guys played along with me, promising to shit on my face. One dude even pulled his pants down before my friends tried to reassure an intoxicated me that I really didn't want him to do it. I got more freaked out expressions from boring people than Billy Milano had burgers this week. The best reactions were from those who played along though. Another guy asked me if I wanted liquified shit, slightly runny shit, solid shit or peanut-encrusted shit. Choice is good.

THIS EMAIL FUCKING DELIVERS.

I pretty much payed homage to most of the lines on that song but the one that I could do (obviously I couldn't do anything that involved a phallus, being a girl) but didn't was puke through my nose. I like to think I made up for that by puking on myself and my Dave Mustaine-inspired fluffy boots though.

"King Cobra?! More like QUEEN COBRA lolololz!" The intro banter in this video would be amazing material to use as samples for a noisecore demo. Fucking love the bass break at 1:15, this band was soooooo sick!!!!!!! ANACONDA HAUNTS YOUR SLEEP!

I semi-legally tattooed 'The Summer of Forced Entry '09 - GFU' on plenty of walls and surfaces and have attached some of them that I actually took photos of to this e-mail (the green tent has it written on its side but you can't see it too clearly), including the tent I shared with my ex at the latest open air metal fest that metalheads get hard ons and gap ons (the femme equivalent) over - Hellfest in France - in addition to the tent I shared with my friend at Bloodstock - the UK's nearest fest to Wacken. Writing it in non-metal places was particularly satisfying though. It was very akin to Moses telling everyone about the Ten Commandments. Looking back, I wonder if some people thought my summer was just an advertisement for rape. On asking a thrash fan if he liked Forced Entry he replied: "That's sick!"

If I ever meet this girl, I am proposing to her on the spot. I love you, baby!

The newspaper photo is also of particular interest because of the recycling message underneath that I crossed out before reading supporting the notion of shitting on one's face. Also, keen thrashers should note that the 2974 is a reference to that LOL'able Testament song 'The Evil Has Landed'. 2974 is the number of people who died in 9/11, mentioned in that track and genially rhymed with 'war'.

I also told people to fuck off or I would kill them.

GET FUCKED UP!

To conclude, thanks for giving me an awesome band to act as the soundtrack to my summer holiday - sorry - vacation from uni (May to October, April technically because I only had one exam in May so I partied earlier) and introducing me and, by extension, a few partners in crime of mine to Forced Entry. No one I know or talked to over the summer has ever heard of them and think I made them up. I wish they'd reunite. I want to e-mail these photos to one of the guys in the band so they can see that douches actually care about them but haven't found an e-mail addy. They just underscore how terrible Municipal Waste truly are and why those retro-thrash 'tards should be extinguished.

WE TELL IT LIKE IT IS, I KNOW IT MAKES YOU PISSED 'COZ WE'RE A BUNCH OF DICKS,

Daru Jericho

***

More awesome, vintage Seattle metal: BITTER END!! Fuck yes, I definitely saw this band many times with all my other favorites like Aaronation, Sabre, Dumt, Panic, The Evicted, Amerifucked, Big Top, Date Rape, Last Gasp, and probably the amazing Aspirin Feast (listen to "Jesus Said," holy underrated hardcore) at one time or another. Seattle had sooooo many legitimately excellent bands back then, but nobody ever heard them because we were off the map until Nirvana came along. I'll put the above bands against any other local hardcore/metal scene in the US circa 1990, I was seriously fortunate to grow up when and where I did.

Daru Jericho, you are officially DOWN AS FUCK and we salute you! I honestly love to see people who are still enthusiastic about stuff, especially when it's something as ridiculously sweet as Forced motherfucking Entry. We love you and support you in your efforts to GET FUCKED UP!

Peep Forced Entry on MySpace here

Blue Grape's Spring 2010 collection SNEAK PREVIEW!

2009-11-15T00:04:00.002-05:00

Once known as a peddler of chintzy crap like Sepultura "jams" and Prong hockey jerseys, metal merch icon Blue Grape will be reborn as a cutting edge streetwear brand in spring of 2010. In fashion, what's old is new again when a brand takes something classic from the past and revitalizes with a contemporary twist. 80s references dominated the past few years, with more neon and skinny jeans than you can shake a stick at on store shelves everywhere, but the hottest new brands are exploring new territory.

Warriors of Radness' fall 2009 collection is rad. Send me some free stuff!

Trendsetting brands like Warriors of Radness are breaking new ground by moving past the 80s drawing from the early 90s, referencing brands like LA Gear, Gotcha and Chess King. They are doing great work, but Blue Grape is truly ahead of the curve: they are the first brand to bring mid/late 90s metal style to the world of streetwear. Look out 55DSL, here comes Blue motherfucking Grape!! We are thrilled to provide you with an exclusive glimpse at their upcoming Spring 2010 collection. We think you will be seeing a lot more coverage of this hot new brand in the near future, so if you see this shit reposted on Hypebeast or High Snobiety, remember that you read it HERE first!

Check out our previous coverage of Blue Grape, and thanks again to our informant only known as "Green Rage" for the inside info! Click any of the images for larger versions.

That's not the user manual for your new dishwasher, it's the cover of their new catalog! I love how they perfectly captured that 90s "desktop publishing" look! They probably even used PageMaker to ensure that it looked authentic.

The collection's flagship items are a full line of premium Soulfly SKUs. This shit is off the hook and will definitely be turning heads!!

You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars outbidding some sneakerhead on eBay to get an vintage-looking Soulfly jersey anymore. Blue Grape's reissues of the 1999 edition put them within reach of everybody.

Getting classic, authentic 90s licenses like Fear Factory was a real coup for the new Blue Grape- hats off to their acquisition team!!

Nothing says true 90s metal fashion like a Fear Factory gas station shirt! Put this guy on and you'll feel like an extra on the set of the video for Deftones "Bored" or Downset "Anger."

Their Slipknot gear is maybe not QUITE as impressive as the Soulfly stuff, but definitely has a few showcase items that make it stand on its own.

The Hundreds ain't got shit on Blue Grape's steez: You will be the hypest fucking kid on the block in this sick Slipknot jumpsuit!! People will be all, "Whoa, you must have paid a fucking fortune for that shit on eBay, it looks so authentic!!" And you'll be all, "Yeah, I did- but whatever, it was worth it, you know? I only like true vintage shit, and you gotta put down the cash if you want the real thing." *turn to the camera with a shit-eating grin and a knowing wink*

It's the details that really make or break a garment. I love how they made this Slipknot thong super fucking high-rise in true 90s style. It looks like your girl could pull this thing up to her armpits!

Blue Grape's Machine Head SKUs take you back to the good old days when Robb Flynn was "the guy from Vio-Lence," not the namesake of a tragic disease that causes the afflicted to grow colorful facial hair and wear Affliction gear.

They clearly paid attention to every detail when creating this this authentic 90's-style garment: it's cut so wide you could fit three people in it, the perfectly symmetrical flames look like a preset from some 90s Photoshop filter (probably Kai's Power Tools), and the band's name is in fucking Impact with an outer glow! Amazing craftsmanship guys, this is a masterpiece!

Remember the 1999 Earth Crisis/Sepultura tour? This shit will instantly transport you backstage where you can watch Igor and Andreas practice jiu jitsu on gymnastics mats before their set, Karl and Ian from ExC try to find a strip club, and Scott pens the riffs that would go on to become the band's defining moment, "Slither."

This Earth Crisis tee cleverly combines two classic 90s hardcore design elements: Parody logos and horizontally-stretched type. It's even outlined! Hats off to whoever designed this guy, you truly nailed the Cabal 315/Andrew Thomas Company aesthetic.

And look at the fucking collar!! I almost can feel its stiff, cheap fabric scratching the shit out of my neck right now.

Holy fucking fuck, I cannot wait to see this combo on shelves!! With a combo of artists like Poison the Well, Phish, Soulfly, and post-Danzig Misfits, I can't see how this brand will go anywhere but straight to the top.

Last but not fucking least, peep these Coal Chamber jams! I can't say TOO much just yet, but a little birdie told me that the COAL CHAMBER X ALIFE collabo miiiiiight be in the works. But shhhh... that shit is top secret ;)

I was hoping to see that they were going to release some limited edition Dope ringer tees through Dave's Quality Meat, but apparently negotiations fell through. This Coal Chamber windbreaker pretty much makes up for it, though!

Please note the new contact info for Beanies & Bucket Hats

What are your thoughts on the NEW BLUE GRAPE??
Are you as excited as we are to see Blue Grape reborn as a streetwear brand? Do you think the kids will be into it? Will they join the ranks of Vision Street Wear, Maui & Sons, and British Knights as forgotten brands of yesteryear who get a second lease on life, or will they just go back to making Methods of Mayhem keychains? Should they sign up Revok and Toomer do do some signature-edition Copshootcop ringer tees?

Belgium's Finest

2009-11-11T01:37:00.000-05:00

"Belgium's Finest", the phrase alone brings great images to mind. Belgium, is great at so many things. Belgium is great at easily being invaded by the Germans, they are also great at putting mayo on their fries ("frites" as they call them) and great at developing horrible bands like Front 242. Just as bad, if not worse than being invaded by Germany, is the Belgian band Agathocles. In case you don't know, Agathocles is a band who are best known for putting out more records than the number of hair plugs in Kirk Hammett's head. And that's a whole lot.

This is what the band Agathocles looks like. If you need to have any leaking faucets or electrical work done around your house, now you know who to call.

Putting that aside, Belgium is also home to one of the greatest cyclists of all time, Eddy Merckx. Here we see Merckx posing with US Secretary of State Condaleezza Rice. According to most Belgians, Eddy Merckx is so great that his urine can cure lepers, and his farts smell of fine cinnamon and mint. By comparison, Agathocles records make you feel worst than if you were a leper and also smell like farts.

Notice her happy smile, that's because she just caught a whiff of one of his potent, but pleasant farts.

But there's more to Belgium than cycling and putting mayo on fries. I know this, because I was there in the 90s. I remember the abandoned rollerskating rink that the band I was in played (thanks to the thirty six people who showed up by the way.) But these are all merely sidenotes. Why? Because the most important and relevant product that the entire country has, however, must be the band Hell Injection. See for yourself.

Fat shut-in guitar player? Check. Biohazard wanna-be singer? Check. Creepy tag along/roadie who just sits there during band practice and "feels the vibes"? Check.

What does this awful Photoshop collage signify? Is it in honor to all his dead homies? Is he sad because Agathocles is putting out another split 7" record? We'll never know.

There's always the one dude in the band who's girlfriend always tags along. Just like Yoko, she's gonna' break up the band. By the way, she hates her boyfriend so much (the singer) that he refers to having sex with him as him giving her a "Hell Injection".

You're not Joey Ramone? Oh, okay...that's good. Can I beat your face with your stupid bass then?

T-Pain covering Angelwitch = biggest WTF of all time!

2009-11-09T00:58:00.003-05:00

how does this even exist?

Late 90s Death Metal You May Have Slept On

2009-11-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

Remember when the internets existed, but it was hard to find anything about metal? It's hard to believe that there was in fact a time when metal nerds didn't have places like this one to argue about whether Danzig II or II is the better album, if Brutal Truth's first album is grindcore or death metal, and call Dave Mustaine an asshole.

We had to make due with anus.com, and that's a pretty poor substitute for, well, anything. As a result, a lot of good records slipped through the cracks a bit: not big enough to get much print coverage (other than Pit magazine, which fucking ruled), and without Youtube, MySpace and blogs they had few other options. I would like to do what little I can to fix this sorry state of affairs: here are some records from the late 90s that may have eluded you, but are worth checking out. For all you a-holes that think I'm a poser and I don't actually like metal, put this in your fucking beardo pipes and smoke it.

As I always mention, this isn't an MP3 blog and we like being friends with labels, so I (usually) won't include download links. That said, Google blog search is helpful if you are looking for them.

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Cinerary "Rituals of Desecration"
Let's begin with a band I've been hyping for about 7 or 8 years: the mighty CINERARY. This criminally-underrated band featured Matti Way and the drummer from Disgorge with two guys who I think were in Gorgasm and/or Cumchrist (also worth checking out). Back in 2001, guttural slam didn't exist, but this record laid the foundation for it and I am honestly surprised it doesn't get hyped more nowdays. The vocals are just completely fucking disgusting (rivaled only by Devourment, Big Chocolate, and Cephalotripsy), the drummer blasts his balls off, and the guitar sound is one of the thickest I've ever heard, making the proto-slamz especially sick pitt riffment. I have no idea what happened to this band or why they didn't blow the fuck up because this record is SICK but long out of print- grab it off Rapidshit here.

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Embalmer "There Was Blood Everywhere" 7"
Cleveland is a miserable fucking shithole, which helps explain why there were so many rad death metal bands coming out of that dump in the 90s. I lived there for a few soul-crushing years, and it made me a bitter, angry person who wants nothing more than to choke the life out of everybody on the planet. But on the bright side, I lived a block from the Phantasy and was spoiled with an abundance of metal. Usually "local band" is synonymous with "shit," but in those days a "local metal show" might include Hemdale, Odious Sanction, Apartment 213, Regurgitation, Nunslaughter, Dislimb, Integrity, and of course Embalmer.

Embalmer played a particularly downtuned, sick, yet darkly melodic brand of death metal that still sounds pretty fresh to my tired old ears (when I'm not jamming Metro Station, of course). The drummer played blast beats that were VERY, VERY fast for the time, and although they had chops the band never got into riff salad territory. New bands could learn a thing or two from the 90s Clevo bands: it's not about trying to outplay the next Guitar Center dork, it's about writing good songs that "make ppl want 2 mosh."

BTW, I don't think of this as an obscure 7" by any means, but I am also fucking old and forget that not everybody read The Wild Rag cover to cover obsessively like I did and therefore it might be new to some readers.

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Decrepit "The Wake" 7"
Skullkrusher and Andrew from Aversionline tell me that this band sucks and is even worse than Gammacide, but I think they're crazy because this 7" is sick. Like Embalmer, they had a knack for writing simple, catchy, yet very polished death metal songs that didn't feel like old school throwbacks but also weren't trying to break the conventions of the genre. In other words, they just played really fucking good, straightforward death metal. The drummer, Chris Dora, also played in Integrity for a quite a while beginning with "Humanity Is The Devil" and going up until long after I stopped paying attention to hardcore.

Peep this song and tell me you don't seriously think Gammacide is better than this band! The part at :45 has one of the longest blast beats I've ever heard, it's pretty sweet. I think they're still active, although they started playing black metal a while ago.

Decrepit on MySpace

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Deeds of Flesh "Trading Pieces" & "Gradually Melted"
In 1997 I ran into the drummer for Odious Sanction at a Hemdale show. After offering me weed (very gracious, although I was nailed to the X at the time so I passed) he gave me a dubbed cassette labeled "DEEDS" and told me it was the hot new shit. He was right, these records are masterpieces of technical, brutal death metal with some of the best drum sounds I've ever heard. Along with Internal Bleeding "Voracious Contempt," this record basically made me stop listening to hardcore for about 10 years and just sit in my room playing my Jackson Dinky Reverse trying to write sick riffs that could be in Deeds songs. Their later records are amazingly dull riff salad, but these two are classics that still hold up in the 2k9.75 for sure.

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Nunslaughter/Bloodsick split 7"
Chris Pellow is a mellow fellow who doesn't get the credit he deserves for his many musical accomplishments. He is probably best known for being the original bassist in Ringworm and Apartment 213, but has been in far too many other hardcore and metal bands for me to remember and is a really really nice dude as well. In 1997 he played in the legendary Nunslaughter and a cool band called Bloodsick, who teamed up on this obscure split. The 7" is impossible to find and has been out of print for over a decade, so cop that shit on Mediafire.

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Oppressor "Agony"
I got into this band through the drummer and bassist for Abnegation, oddly enough. They basically sound like the death metal version of Forced Entry: weird, angular riffs that are more more twisted than they sound at first blush coupled with poppy arrangements that make it very accessible for brutal death metal. Like many of the other bands in this post, I really don't understand why this album doesn't get hyped more often these days. I guess it's just a case of wrong place, wrong time?? Your lose, dickfaces, because this record is a classic and your life is incomplete unless you own it! (And yes, I do own the actual CD :P )

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Broken Hope "Loathing" & "Grotesque Blessings"
There's no doubt about it: Broken Hope's early albums fucking suck. However, they are one of the rare bands who actually got better with age- way, way better (which isn't hard considering how fucking awful "Swamped In Gore" was). I had pretty much written them off as complete crap until my friend Lee, who is a very legit shredder and death metal fan, told me that "Wolf Among Sheep" had one of the sickest riffs of all time in it. I didn't believe him, of course, because I knew them for their abyssmal earlier releases, but it turns out he was right as fuck! I wouldn't say the entire album is great, but just like Disincarnate, the whole is more than the sum of the parts. If you're into technical shit that's not totally gay, give this a shot.

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Disgorge "Cranial Impalement"
I bought this for $.10 at Record Exchange with Mike Joachum, who has played guitar for many of the later Integrity lineups along with his little brother Nate. Please don't bother shit talking new Integrity because those dudes fucking rule it. Anyway, Mike was like "Dude look at this cover, it's hilarious!" I agreed, noticed it was 10 cents, and picked it up. We brought it home and he was super bummed he didn't buy it because the first song is one of the finest pieces of guttural death metal I've ever heard to this day: the vocals are sick as fuck, very catchy but complex and brutal riffing, and extremely tasty drumming (check out the accents on the bell of his ride). Their later albums are ok, but much closer to riff salad than this one. So if you wrote them off based on newer output, do yourself a favor and cop "Cranial Impalement"!

What did I miss? What late 90s death metal did you jam before MySpace existed? Do you know Mike and Nate from Integs?

Halloween

2009-10-30T01:19:00.001-04:00

Dressing up as a black metal douche for halloween? I know what you're thinking "Nicolas Cage's son has now been doing it year-round for some time now!" Well, you're partially right...but that doesn't negate the appeal that such a costume may have for the masses. As such, I now introduce you all to the first official black metal costume ever (I think), as seen at a local costume shop by close friend of the blog (sup Marns!).

Yes, it's true. You can even buy it at Target.

In honor of halloween, please check out these two clips from Metal Inquisition's favorite zombie movie ever...death metal zombies. See them here, and here.

RIP, Chuck Biscuits

2009-10-29T11:44:00.021-04:00

UPDATE: So apparently this was all an elaborate internet hoax and Chuck is alive and well. I hope they find whoever is responsible and have him/her hung, drawn, and quartered. Now go enjoy some Boo Berry and remember--don't believe everything you read on the internet!

Metal brothers and sisters, we've lost one of our own. The devil himself, in the form of throat cancer, has taken one of our most beautiful angels. Chuck Biscuits, one of the sickest drummers, doodlers, and cereal collectors to ever live has died.

The word "legend" gets tossed around far too often these days, but Chuck is more than deserving of the title. Chuck first burst onto the scene with Vancouver hardcore legends D.O.A. before doing a short stint with Black Flag and recording the legendary 1982 Demos. He went on to join the Circle Jerks and in 1987 joined the band for which he is best known--Danzig. He recorded four of the greatest albums ever made with the classic Danzig lineup of Glen Danzig, John Christ, and Eerie Von. He is also featured in the two Danzig home videos, each of which I've watched approximately 100 times. He wasn't the fanciest or the flashiest drummer, but he was rock solid. He was tight, fast, and hit hard as fuck. His playing is instantly recognizable and he's influenced an entire generation of drummers, but there will never be another like him. Rest in peace, Chuck. You are gone, but you will live on forever in our hearts.

I'm starting a band

2009-10-27T01:10:00.001-04:00

Back when I played in a band (early to mid 90s) finding members to join in your musical escapades was difficult. More often than not, my brother and I simply reached out to people we already knew, and asked them to join our amazing musical projects. This is the relationship equivalent of dating your friends. We never opted for the equivalent of a personals ad (which would be a listing in a local paper, or the dreaded flyer at the guitar shop). Today, pretty much everything has changed by virtue of the darned interweb. Through Facebook, Craigslist, eHarmony and J-Date...people all over the world are gettin' it on with amazing efficiency. Since I always dream of starting a sweet band, I've chosen to use the interweb as my shopping tool, in order to find the ideal members for my new side project. What do you think?

Okay, so he flubs a few notes, and has one of the chords wrong on the main riff...but check out his commitment to the tune. I mean, the guy has an Ipod on a strap strictly for the purposes of practicing. I think he'd be a great addition.

This guy is a winner all the way. Rumor has it, he can crabwalk even better than Robert Trujillo, and he can do so in 7" heels. Beat that!

This girl is proof that the level of musicianship amongst today's youngsters has risen so far it's not even funny. When I was in a grindcore band, anyone who could play a simple blast beat for about ten seconds, or do pinch harmonics was a god. Jesus, times have changed.

Being gay AND Filipino must be super hard...just ask Kirk Hammett, he's already lost most of his hair due to the stress of living that way.

Portal Just Released the Best Metal Album of 2009

2009-10-23T11:48:00.005-04:00

If you're a regular reader of this blog then you've probably realized by now that we're not exactly huge fans of contemporary music. With the exception of Sergeant D most of us here at Metal Inquisition stopped caring about new music right around the time Danzig released Blackacidevil. The fact of the matter is that, for the most part, new music--in particular new metal--sucks. I've tried to keep up with some of my favorite older bands and check out new ones, but nine times out of ten it leads to nothing but disappointment. It's for this simple reason that you're most likely to catch Lucho and I fighting over the ipod in his BMW with him wanting to listen to Steely Dan and me wanting to listen to Skrewdriver. From time to time, however, to my complete and total amazement a new band will come along and blow my mind to pieces. The most recent example of this that I can think of is the Australian black/death metal hybrid mindfuck that is Portal. They released their first album back in 2003 and have since then released two more albums, each better than the last, which leads me to their most recent album and masterpiece, Swarth, which was just released earlier this week by Profound Lore.

Maybe my expectations are just incredibly low now because of how shitty most new metal albums are, but of the handful of new albums I've heard this year Swarth is far and away the best. I haven't been this excited about a new album since Decrepit Birth's Diminishing Between Worlds, and I think Swarth might even end up surpassing that album's awesomeness. I'm not a poet, but I'll do my best to describe the music on Swarth--it's bleak, dense, twisted, and fucking heavy. It's one of the most unique and legitimately unsettling records I've heard in a long, long time. You can barely even make out what's going on musically; it's a whirlwind of sound threatening to collapse at any moment, but Portal somehow manages to hold it together long enough to create this ferocious and suffocating wall of sound that relentlessly marches on for a solid forty minutes. Words fail me at a time like this so if you've been as bored with recent metal releases as I've been then I highly suggest checking out Swarth and Portal's two previous albums.

Oh, and in case you've never seen what Portal looks like here's a couple of photos to pique your interest.

Cancer: Never funny, except when it involves metal

2009-10-22T02:14:00.005-04:00

If you are a decent human being, you say stuff like "Look, I have a great sense of humor, but some things just aren't funny. For example, I really didn't appreciate it when Guttermouth made fun of Siberian-American Huskies. How insensitive!! Another thing that's simply off-limits is cancer. This terrible disease kills over 500,000 Americans every year, and I can't think of anything worse than trivializing the impact it has on our way of life- not just as Americans, but as human beings! How dare you mock me for calling off of work on Tuesday to get an anal cancer exam!!"

Fortunately for you, I am only a marginally decent human being, so I present to you a video in which Peter Criss reveals that he had BREAST CANCER lolololololol!!! It's almost as funny as Seth Putman's sidesplitting overdose/suicide fail a few years back!

Anyway, enjoy- and here's hoping Gene Simmons gets struck by lighting!

Nocturnus/Morbid Angel/After Death's Mike Browning

2009-10-19T00:18:00.001-04:00

Mike Browning is a good poser test: Anybody who knows their shit will quickly tell you about Mike's role in shaping early Florida death metal. A founding member of Morbid Angel, he made his biggest contribution with Nocturnus. We make a lot of Nocturnus jokes, but trust me that we are all huge Nocturnus fans. I first heard them in 1991 or so on the legendary Earche comp "Grindcrusher" when their track "BC/AD" completely blew me away. I stuck with them and became a huge fan by the time I was out of high school. Lucho, Krusher, Awakening, me, and the other kids in our circle of weirdos who grew up listening to Youth of Today and Terrorizer literally talked about Nocurnus for fucking hours when we hung out. In particular I remember around 97 or 98, me and this one dude Vince (where are you broseph??) geeking out on "The Key"and making "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" noises at each other like the the keyboards on "Lake of Fire."

In contrast to many of his contemporaries (for instance the other dudes from Morbid Angel), who are complete fucking wingnuts, Mike seems like a cool, down-to-earth guy that doesn't take himself too seriously. That's a welcome change of pace, since there are way too many people who were in far less important bands who have their head completely up their own ass.

Washed up a-hole: "Do you know who I am?!?! I played bass in ROTTREVORE, you insolent fuck! Now kiss my pinkie and I'll forgive you."
Guy he is talking to: "Uh.... welcome to Olive Garden. How many people in your party?"

You don't hear his name nearly as much as you should these days, so we are super stoked to have Mike on Metal Inquisition!

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"BC/AD": Before Christ - I ruled the land! After death - I will rule once again!!

You made quite a mark on the death metal landscape in the 90s, but many of us lost track of you after that. What are you up to these days, both musically and otherwise? What do you do for a living?
Right now my band After Death is mixing a bunch of new songs we just recorded. There are 5 new songs and we rerecorded one off of our last Retronomicon CD and just for the fuck of it we recorded 2 old Morbid Angel songs Chapel of Ghouls(with The Invocation) and Angel of Disease from the Abominations of Desolation album, close to how they were done back in 1986, but still with some new elements as well. The last time we recorded was back in 2006, so we are way past due for some new material to be released! We also did a tour last October of Europe as After Death playing Nocturnus songs from The Key, which went over pretty well, so we may do that again sometime soon. Other than that I just work a regular day job for the water department in Tampa and work on my newest project a 1957 Chevy Bel Air that has become a fucking money pit, but it does haul ass!

Nocturnus was pretty out there for the early 90s. How did people react when you first came out? How does that differ from how people would react now, in a world where we've heard enough blast beats and sweep picking to sink a battleship?
The reactions were pretty good actually. I think because of The Science of Horror demo being heavier and less technical than The Key was, helped us to kind of break into a new style of death metal without going to far over the people's heads. But yeah today we might just have been the band of the week for the fucking sheeple that say they are death metal fans! Peoples attention spans these days are about as long as their dicks! And their attitudes are bigger!!!

OK, so maybe Mike is a little weird. But it could be a zillion times weirder/more embarrassing- just ask Evil D.

Are you familiar with the popular death metal band Nile? They have a lot of songs about having sex with mummies, pet sphinxes, and other weird Egyptian stuff. You had a mummy on the cover of your 7" many years before Nile came out, how do you feel about them stealing your gimmick?
Well we did use some Egyptian themes way before Nile, but actually I didn't play on that 7" you mentioned, that was after I left the band. My band After Death does a lot more Egyptian themed music now, but we don't sound anything like Nile. Our style of lyrics is also more about the magick and rituals that the Ancient Egyptians used. And we have a full time keyboard player, so we can make the whole song have more atmosphere instead of just an intro.

Classic, hilarious Nocturnus segment from "Hard N Heavy Grindcore" video. I love the part where the keyboardist talks about "thrashing where he's at" (1:20) and at 2:15 where they give advice to young bands who are thinking about moving to Florida to be closer to the epicenter of the scene.

Aside from mummies, Nocturnus' lyrics referenced all kinds of crazy shit like crystal balls, spaceships, droids, and so forth. Where did you come up with that stuff? Specifically, can you tell me what "Enter The Droids" is about?
In the beginning Nocturnus was mostly occult oriented lyrics, but when Mike Davis joined the band and started writing and had some lyrical ideas it turned more into sci-fi type stuff, so I mixed his ideas with mine and it came out to be some pretty crazy shit that I ended up writing about. The Key was pretty much a concept album about a guy going back in time and destroying Jesus Christ and taking over the world with future technology that he brought back with him.

"It was in one of the crashed alien ships that he found 'The Key' that was the finishing piece to make his time machine work"

It didn't really start as a concept album though, but as we kept writing songs they started to fit together like a puzzle and kind of ended up as a story, but each song could still stand on it's own. Enter The Droids was the part of the story where alien droid ships started attacking the Earth and the main character retreated to a cave where he built the time machine and it was in one of the crashed alien ships that he found "The Key" that was the finishing piece to make his time machine work.

Lord Browning sits atop his throne while he prepares a fiendish scheme to rape himself once he has his time machine back (it's been kind of sputtering lately when idling, probably just the O2 sensor)

Here on Metal Inquisition, we like to joke about "the Nocturnus time machine." For example, we have a whole section dedicated to "things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine." We also came up with a concept for scale models of the time machine. What would you do if you actually had access to the time machine you wrote about on "The Key"? I think I would go back in time to when I was a child and rape myself.
Man do you want me to make a fucking list or what!!! Hell there are tons of things I would go back and change if I had a time machine, especially some of the chicks I have met and had relationships with, that would probably be first on my list!!! I think some sweet revenge would be nice too for people that have wronged me, that's always nice to think about as well!!!

But why rape yourself when you can go back a bit farther and rape your mom and actually create yourself by raping your mom, now that's a fucking idea there!!! Maybe that will be my next concept album, so don't go stealing my idea like everyone else does!

If you were 20 years old today and starting a band, what would it sound like? What would your personal brand be?
I think I would have to say it might sound like After Death does now, pretty much I have always wanted to do atmospheric sounding occult metal! But if I was 20 again I don't know if I would have the discipline for it the way the world is today, but I would probably still make the same stupid mistakes anyway because I haven't changed much since then.

All goes well until :45 or so, then oh boy... the wheels fall right off the wagon. Then at 1:35 he starts talking about his Quake clan and you just want to hide out of vicarious embarrassment.

You know the guys in Morbid Angel well, right? Please watch this video of Trey Azagthoth hosting "Headbanger's Ball" and tell us what you think is going through his head. Other than, "I feel like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet."
What's funny is I knew Trey was going to be on Headbanger's Ball, so I actually saw that episode when it first aired and from knowing him all these years it was pretty much exactly what I expected to happen!!! I doubt he will ever try that one again!!!

Back in the day, it was mindblowing for someone to be able to play a blast beat, double bass, or tremolo riff at all. In retrospect, most of the musicianship was pretty amateurish by today's standards. As someone who was in one of the most technical, innovative bands of the 90s, how does it make you feel that these days every 16 year-old asshole kid can play sick blasts, sweep picked arpeggios, and 250 bpm double bass when people like you struggled so hard at pioneering these techniques?
It is all pretty relative because back then people thought that what we were doing was mind blowing and now I see these kids playing twice as fast and not even breaking a sweat. I think because the kids these days are brought up on this stuff and didn't have to progress into it or create it, that they come from a different mindset. Only problem is not a one of them have any originality, they all want and do sound like someone else and even worse is they want to be that way! There is no more originality anymore, so maybe it all has been done!

Can you imagine how amazing it would be to live next to this, then find out it belonged to Mike Browning?! My mind would explode, like if I saw Glen Benton buying Little League outfits for his kids.

When I listen to Nocturnus, I always have a visual in my head to go along with the song. For example, "Empire of The Sands" reminds me of the Jawas in "Star Wars." Did you have any visuals in mind when you were writing them? If so, share the one that you think would be most surprising to us.
The whole goal of Nocturnus was to create an atmosphere with the music and lyrics together and this has always been what I would consider success over making money, not that making money is bad, but to me this is the greatest compliment someone can say about my music. When I write the lyrics, usually the whole idea pops into my head with a title that sums it up and I have a visual of the whole song like a movie playing out inside my head so at that point the lyrics start flowing sometimes so fast I can hardly write them down before I forget them. I usually have to find a paper and pen right away and end up writing the whole song in less than 10 minutes!

"I see this guy kicking the stable door down wearing some kind of a futuristic space suit and just blasting away Joseph, Mary and the 3 wise men and then saving the baby Jesus in his little manger for last"

I would say as far as Nocturnus it would probably be Destroying The Manger, where I see this guy kicking the stable door down wearing some kind of a futuristic space suit and just blasting away Joseph, Mary and the 3 wise men and then saving the baby Jesus in his little manger for last as he starts laughing hysterically maybe with a cigar in his mouth like a true superhero would and just blasts the whole manger to smithereens!!! It would make a great movie don't ya think!!!

This song is the origin of the "Nocturnus time machine" meme:

ENTER THE DROIDS / Cybernetic cralts approaching / Through skies lit with fusion discharge / Androids from the gamma quadrant / Moving at the speed of death / Now the human race is so vulnerable / Invasion set for attack / "Enter the Droids" / Command-Mission-Destroy-Planet-Three-From-Their sun / Caught within my tractor beam / Bringing the craft to me / Disable the robot for my own use / to aid my escape / Fleets of ships are now arriving,overtaking / Physical evasion is my only demise / Left to me for my survival / Gaining data from their system,overriding / To complete my invention,the time machine / Only question is"will it function"?

Pretend you get to write the metal history books. What would you like people to remember about you and your work?
Well I have never claimed to be some kind of an amazing musician, so more than anything I would want to be remembered as the one and only Mike Browning!

More info: After Death on MySpace, Mike Browning's MySpace, Nocturnus on Encyclopaedia Metallum. Also check out this 2008 interview with Mike courtesy of I Could Die Tomorrow. After Death is currently finishing up a new album, which we'll post about when it's done- stay tuned.

Big Chocolate blast beats his way into the hearts of the world

2009-10-16T02:03:00.004-04:00

Cameron Argon, better known as Big Chocolate, is the brains behind Disfiguring The Goddess, as well as a whole bunch of other projects that he will explain below. Aside from being quit arguable the best guttural death metal vocalist on the face of the planet, he honestly seems like a really good, sweet dude in a way that you just don't see very often in metal (unless it's, you know... on Solid State). Definitely check him out on Myspace and Youtube, whether you need him to fill on for DJ AM in your Crazy Town cover or produce the next hella mass tight wigger slam joint for you and your crew. No homo, but I really, really appreciate coming across someone who can make the most brutal, crushing guttural slamz on Earth yet hasn't had their spirits crushing by life along the way After all, I'm betting 0/2 on those counts!

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In his debut video, Big C brings CRUSHING SLAMZ- but more importantly also really, really good songwriting, which I think is lost on many viewers

For any of our readers who are unfortunate enough not to be familiar with you and your work, please introduce yourself in whatever way you would like. Since I'm almost twice your age, does this interview feel like you are being cornered by your "cool uncle" at a family gathering? Don't worry, I won't tell you about how "I'm into that shit too" and start talking to you about how I listened to White Zombie in high school as proof.
Of course mate. Well, my name is Cameron Argon and I just turned 19. Big Chocolate is the name I use for my music. It’s kinda a joke name... no real meaning behind it, but I do love good chocolate.

Not at all, I’m pretty real with all ages... and I currently live with one of my Uncles so... uncle figures are like.... My key strong point.... (Sarcasm)

Aside from your various music projects, what are you doing with yourself these days? You graduated from high school in 2008, right? What do you see yourself doing for a career?
2009. I’m a freshmen in comminity colledge because I was too focused on making music in high school and not enough on learning my chemistry vocab to pull a GPA high enough to get into out of state school. Haha! I’m studying criminal justice because It’s a real hands on field, and that’s where i’m more interested. I’m doing it basically as a fall back plan if I can’t support myself though music later in life. I think being on a S.W.A.T. team would be pretty dream like for me also, always been a big fan of guns.

Cam and his prom date. I hate him so, so much.

It seems like being an 18 year-old kid who's way into death metal is working out pretty well for you! When I was an 18 year-old kid who was way into death metal, it mostly meant that I spent Saturday nights sitting at my parents' house by myself playing Super Metroid and listening to Napalm Death. On the other hand, you not only went to prom, but took a super cute girl; you've been to Russia to play with Abominable Putridity, and have many fans on the internets- for example this little hottie who left you a "marry me" comment. What the fuck is up with that?! I hate you.

Haha! it’s not like I was any different. Couple buddies and a good ol scary horror video game was pretty typical during high school. I never really got into high school drama or partying so it was either kicking back with some friends or making music in my room. My senior year I got some decks and starting Djing parties, that was a TON of fun because I was able to go to parties and not feel like I was wasting my time because I was making music and entertaining. I never really liked High School events too much, but I was pretty friendly and a constant “go-getter”. I won homecoming king, but didn’t go to the dance afterwards. I was pretty impressed with myself about my date because I didn’t know how I pulled that off. Haha!

Bro, if you aren't gonna hit that, send her my way. I will show her what's up.

Russia, was the most intense time of my life. The whole trip was so surreal to me, I couldn’t believe I was in russia to play music. Dream come true. My Mom almost died from worrying too much, but still, best thing to ever happen to me. Hahaha!!!! DoN’t H8 ThE pLayA H8 tHe GaMe!!

Hard to argue with this!

I feel like I have no idea what Kids These Days are into, and if *I* don't, then I am 10000% certain that none of the other old people who read our blog do either. What are some of your favorite bands, either those who influence you as a musician or otherwise? Were you ever into punk or hardcore? Just out of curiosity, tell me three bands that best embody "punk" to you.
Some of my favorite bands and musicians are The Police, Moby, Hate Eternal, Radiohead, Bjork, Devourment, and a few others. I draw a lot of influence from these bands and plenty others as well as the motivation fans, friends, and family give me. And you can’t mention motivation with out mentioning Leroy Smith, The Motivator or Michael Jordan. I listened to punk for a while, I mostly listened to the crust/grind/powerviolence side of it though, a lot of resistant culture, witch hunt, phobia, dystopia, phobia.

I listen to more of the thrash/hardcore compared to the beatdown xhardcorex. Bands that best embody “punk” to me are defiantly not rancid, sex pistols, and nofx. Punks one of those things where it should be kept underground, and if it isn’t, it’s not punk. BUT OH WELL. I don’t really care to much about all that jazz or being “punk as fuck”.

DJ AM ain't got shit on his steez

Most of us know you for your various metal projects, but you are something of a slam wigger Renaissance man: you also make beats, wreck shit on the wheels of steel, and record bands. How did you end up getting into hip hop, and how does that fit into the Big Chocolate "things that I spend my time on" mix? What do people in the metal scene think of your b-boy alter ego?
Beats are pretty fun, I don’t make them as much as I used to, but it’s a way to connect with other musicians and expand boundaries. I’ve worked with far more hip hop artist than I have with death metal bands. I really like a few underground acts, but i’m not like the guru on underground hip hop.... Yadda ming? Underground is usually better than the mainstream because it’s almost always 100% for the music. When artist get signed, they start changing their sound for the labels. Of course that’s not always the case though. Prime example of a label puppet, Lil wayne. I won’t name any Death Metal puppets because i’m not that kinda guy. I don’t really care what other people think, I do it for fun and for me.

YOURE FUCKING MOSHING!! or posing.

You have heard the term "wigger slam" before as a way of describing bands like Infernal Revulsion, Soils of Fate, Disconformity, and of course Abominable Putridity. What are your thoughts on this term? What is the most wiggerish thing about the guys in Abominable Putridity? Do they prefer to be called "riggers"?
I think it’s a pretty funny term. I usually use the term “Bro” instead though, haha! A “bro” is more classifiable by attitude over look though for me. In Russia, they call bro’s “Beadlow” Of course it’s not spelt like that, but that’s how it sounds. So every scene has it’s hand full of “bros” The guys in AP were not really stereotypical at all. Pretty normal dudes, didn’t really dress to fit any kind of look. Andrew had some pretty cool tattoos but that’s kinda it. I’m a huge Disconformity fan, straight forward brutal slams.

I remember a time when I had vitality and vigor like this young man. Each year since then I've gotten a little more bitter, a touch angrier, and my heart has grown just a bit colder. For him to meet someone like me must be like when I looked into the eyes of a concentration camp survivor in 8th grade and saw his shattered soul. Or in Cameron's case, he can tell I saw Incantation 400 times in the late 90s, which is roughly the same as surviving Auschwitz.

I showed some of your videos to this indie girl I know, and she pointed out that you smile and laugh a lot in them. You seem to be having a lot of fun with this, which is awesome because it should be fun. Why are metal fans so fucking serious all the time? Will you your youthful enthusiasm for life be snuffed out like mine was by years of crushing disappointments, heartbreak, and humiliation, or will your comfortable upper middle class upbringing keep you safe from that?
I do music for one reason: It’s fun. I have no idea why metal fans are always so serous. Haha, no I don’t think i’ll ever loose it. I try to keep a good straight head and a good attitude about life. I’m pretty stoic in my view points but keeping a good friendly mindset.

Ahhhh... There's nothing like Disfiguring the Goddess to remind you what mornings are all about. Made with only organic, free range guttural slamz, DTG brings the whole family together. It's not just a band, it's memories that will never leave!

On that note, please read our post about "regretcore" and share your thoughts. What do you think your life will be like when you're 31? As someone who seems like a stable, solid dude, what advice do you have for people like me and my friends who clearly have limited life skills? When you read the lyrics to a song like "One With The Underdogs" by Terror, what goes through your head?
Haha, I think a better term for Regretcore is growing up. When i’m 31... I’ll hopefully be doing something I love doing and passionate about. I’d be cool to have wife that I trust and love and a few little camerons running around... But that’s what everyone kinda shoots for. I don’t know, I’d rather play out my life and live in today rather in tomorrow or yesterday. Perfect life motto: Do what you love, love what you do. Well the lyrics are pretty straight forward. He didn’t have the best upbringing. but he realizes it and beat it.

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Cam's sister falls prey to a cruel trick!

I think it's pretty awesome that you seem to get along well with your family. One of your videos that I like best is the one where you scare your sister, then your mom comes and yells at you. It's legitimately, non-ironically cute! In the comments, some dickbag said "Who are those dousches that come in and yell at you," and you replied "those "dousches" are my parents.. asshole... " I don't mean to get too personal, but how do your parents feel about all your musical projects given that they seem pretty normal and you do shit that is extreme even by the standards of underground metal? Many people say that one of the defining characteristics of your generation is that you are "friends with your parents" in a way that is definitely not true of Gen X- do you think that's accurate?
Family first, than friends, than... relationship problems. My family means a lot to me and we are pretty dang close. Oh man, funny story about that video. It was on thanksgiving and everyone was getting ready. It takes me like 4 minutes to get ready after i’ve showered, I put on a shirt and a button down. So I was bored and trying to trick my mom with the maze game and film her with built in camera on my computer. Buuuut my determined sister wanted to give it her best. (she’s the kinda girl who takes on any challenge, and gets unreal scores on pocket games like solitaire). Me scaring her pretty much ruined our thanksgiving because of the awkward tensions between me and my sister, little did anyone know... I filmed it and uploaded it to youtube and families across the world were watching her get scared.

Family members on Facebook =always funnt

She came home to her myspace covered in comments with people telling her that her video was so funny.... Ohhhh man. Sooo funny. They show a great deal of support, they like my “Efficient” project much more than my Death Metal though. haha! ehhh, yes and no... I have friends who are best friends with their parents and friends who completely hate their parents.

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WTF is this business?
Haha! Some fellers that have some huge problem with me. The videos and myspace of those guys are pretty funny, like they really go a longgggg ways to show how much they disagree with everything I can ever do. I could understand being called out by like... a big time guy in the business, but he would just be an asshole then... calling out people making who are just making music... These guys just kinda creep me out from time to time with their obsessive negative reaction to me. I’d put my skills against theirs any day.

At first I thought this was a good-natured joke, but the more I watched, the more I thought "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is REALLY WEIRD"

I write a lot about scene kids, which makes our readers angry and confused because unlike me, they are threatened by new things. I think one of the things that's hardest for them to digest is that scene culture is such a disparate mishmash of references from other subcultures, but done in a way that's completely effortless and authentic. For example, BrokeNCYDE draw from crunk rap, screamo, trance, and deathcore, to which old people reply "Wait, wait- you can't do THAT!!" Or how scene kids wear Hollister like it's their job- that seems insane to people who grew up in a time where wearing a mainstream brand like that would be considered treason if you listened to metal or hardcore. You're another example in that you play some of the most ass-raping slam metal on the planet, yet wear non-ironic Wu Tang shirts, spin drum-n-bass, and went to prom with a hot girl. What does this all mean? Is everybody in your generation a walking mashup or what? Why are old people like me so confused and upset by this?
HAHAHAHAHA!! so happy you brought up BrokeNCYDE. My buddy and I made a joke/mocking project called The Mercury Drug where we use auto tune, talk about sluts, use hardstyle breakdowns and continue with silly outfits. I just do whatever I want. I don’t really like fallowing fads or clicks. I just do what I want to do, I play what I want to play, I dress how I want to dress. I’m pretty “whatevs” on the whole subject.

The latest music video from The Acacia Strain

Finally, we would like your help deciding which of these bands is the biggest bunch of wiggers. Please watch the following videos and give us your thoughts on eacg in a couple sentences, then choose one "winner."

Fury of V "Do Or Die"
Hahahaha!!!!! “Lolocaust”

Despised Icon "Day of Mourning"
I miss the healing process...

Mordred "Every Day's A Holiday"
What the heck?... No seriously... CrAzY bReAkS from the random Run-DMC cat... Not really.

Winds of Plague "The Impaler"
Life ain’t nothing but bitches an money.....uh... Wait.... Never mind, Lets go cleanse azeroth of orcs with an double sided two handed axe (+ 22 to Agility; +4 Deffense; 2% chance to cast Thunder Bolt) (...?)

Downset "Downset"
Thug life? No, wait???... Whaaatt.......?

The winner is Rehh Dog “Why Must I Cry”

Thanks for your time! Please add/plug/say anything else you would like to add! Oh, one last question: Why don't you wear a puffy vest like Johnny Plague??
Sorry if I have bad grammer, I didn’t reread what I’ve written... Thanks for the intie and thanks for the support mate!

And I have no idea... i’d probably feel goofy.

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Disfiguring the Goddess
Big Chocolate Productions
Efficient
The Mercury Drug

Introducing: Budget Italian Power Metal

2009-10-13T00:00:00.001-04:00

A gregarious bunch of leather daddies or a budget Italian power metal band? You decide!

I know that making fun of Italian metal is easy. It's like when the two inbred main characters have sex with the retarded girl in Gummo. It's almost too easy, but I just can't help myself. See, a while back the Sarge introduced us to the world of budget slam metal, perhaps best exemplified by Artery Eruption, and now I'd like to introduce you to the kings of budget Italian power metal--Kaledon. These Roman warriors have displayed an undying allegiance to all things lo-fi and low-budget that has left them unchallenged atop the steaming pile of shit that is budget Italian power metal.

Here we see the crowd (all two of them) going wild as Kaledon performs their smash hit "Spirit of the Dragon." A force of nature, Kaledon is best experienced live as the sheer sonic force of their performances have been credited with causing at least a half dozen suicides across the Lazio region.

This reminds me of the kind of picture I would expect to see hanging up in the dining room of any number of my Italian family members. You see Italian dining rooms are not actually meant for dining, they're more for show. That's where you display all the wonderful useless shit you got at your wedding 30 years ago like your gigantic china closet filled with fine china you never use--you know, the good stuff--along with your crystal and your special silverware (the kind that's actually made of silver). You'll usually also find an enormous dining table covered in a gawdy white lace tablecloth some grandmother spent a lifetime making. If your Italian family is anything like mine then the dining table chairs are probably hermetically sealed in plastic and will never be exposed to the elements. And no matter how big of a loser he may be, an Italian mother will always be proud of her son because he is her pride and joy and so she will have several photo albums worth of embarassing pictures of him and she will gladly display a picture from his first communion right next to the picture he took with his friends out near the Roman Aqueduct while dressed like a gang of child molesting Renaissance fairies in a gigantic gold plated frame. Mama is especially proud of that 12 inch boner you're smuggling in your leather pants.

More often than not "serious musicians" are all business, but not the ragazzi of Kaledon! It's refreshing to see that the boys can just as easily spend a day relaxing in the studio, joking around and having a good time instead of spending hours carefully trimming their facial hair while their little sister repeatedly bangs on the bathroom door because she has to pee and dad yells to finish jerking off and get out of the bathroom because he has to take a shit.

One thing you could never accuse Kaledon of doing is progressing. Just look at the cover of their debut album, Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 1: The Destruction.

Now take a look at the cover of their most recent album, 2008's Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 5: A New Era Begins.

From the unforgettable amateur paintbrush to the utterly forgettable amateur computer illustration, Kaledon is never content to rest on their laurels. They've never let their complete and utter lack of talent stop them before so why start now?

I'd like to leave you with what I think is the most compelling piece of evidence in the case for Kaledon's budget Italian power metal supremacy--the music video for their hit single "The New Kingdom." I could spend days tearing apart every frame, but instead let me just point out how proud they are of their packages as we once again see a band member proudly displaying his manhood in his way-too-tight white linen pants. It's impossible not to notice the tremendously low production values of this video, but it's obvious that the men of Kaledon make up for what they lack financially with their boundless enthusiasm for their horrible music. It's hard not to admire that kind of dedication. Against all odds and good sense, Kaledon endures and to that I must say--forza, Kaledon!

As an added bonus for our Italian speaking readers enjoy this equally retarded parody video:

Black metal truth > Black metal fiction

2009-10-12T01:00:00.005-04:00

It’s always easy to make fun of black metal, especially here on Metal Inquisition. When truth is stranger than fiction, it always hits harder when any satirical, sarcastic or cynical blogger presents cold, hard facts in place of any clever hyperbole. So, in an effort to bridge both the worlds of humor and reality I hit up Ula Gehert with some questions.

In case you don’t know who Ula is, let me give you the quick and skinny. Besides being an awesome human being, Ula has cut his teeth on some serious metal for years. Regarded as one the few honest and dedicated devotees of metal working in the business, he joined the ranks of Century Media Records back in the summer of ’94, this after extensive metal fandom that’ll make you’re head spin – read on for proof. He’s spent some serious time at the CM U.S. office before heading over seas to spearhead metal on European shores out of the CM German office.

One tiny, highly specialized niche Ula bore witness to – and helped mold – was Century Black, which was Century Media’s grab for black metal glory around the mid-late 90s. Although short lived, I’ve always viewed it as an unsung player in the proliferation of black metal, for better or worse, around the globe. (Sorry for the length, besides being a metal dork, I'm also a metal fan. Thanks for indulging me...)

So how did Century Black come about?

Ula: The credit for that comes down to Rayshele Teige, who was doing promotion for Century Media at the time and who was the person responsible for pushing Robert Kampf (one of the owners of CM) to do a black metal imprint, and she first started by pushing him to release the Mayhem album "De Mysteriis...". A good choice, to be sure, and it took a while to get out in the States because of delays getting things going, getting permission from Voices Of Wonder and working out the licensing details, etc., but she really pushed to make that happen and it worked. Not long after that she got Robert to release the Arcturus debut full-length "Aspera Hiems Simfonia", and so they worked out that licensing deal too.

(No joke, Century Media Record's entry on Wikipedia calls their Century Black imprint the 'Miramax Films of black metal...' I wish I could take credit for that analogy.)

Rayshele was really the driving force behind the black metal titles, and I think she coined the label imprint name as well. Once the floodgates started opening, so to speak, with so many titles being made available for licensing in the States, since so many albums were released in Europe only back then, it just took a life of its own.

Can you explain the state of Century Media at the time? From what I hear, around 96/97 – the main time of ‘Century Black’ - it was pretty bare as bones.

Ula: It was definitely bare bones. I started with CM in the summer of '94 and it was about seven other people working there in the US. The office was on Lincoln Blvd. in Santa Monica, in a pretty drab office space. There was one of the owners working there, the accountant, a radio guy, Rayshele working promotion along with another girl, and a guy doing retail. At the time I started, I came in to do promotion as well, and at the same time a guy came in to do A&R for the States, and they also hired a warehouse guy. The second promo girl left, and they replaced the retail guy, and then hired a label manager. But generally you were looking at around 7 or 8 people back then, and so everyone was multitasking like mad.

The German office was the founding office back in ’88 and so that was running quite smoothly; the US office opened in late 1990 and it took quite a few years, and quite a few combinations of people, until things balanced out by the latter part of the ‘90s. If you compare that with how it was about 6 years later, when there were 30 people on staff in Germany and over 40 in the States, it was completely different. So yeah, if you contrast that when I began, when there was no mailorder or distro, no real warehouse (just an office room), and no website or e-mail address, it was pretty sparse in those days.

So when you joined CM and there was no website or email address for the label; I bet it leant a more "underground" feel and mystique to the music without the internet, versus today where Hot Topic goth-core kids wear 'The Joker' make up and are considered black metal.

Ula: Oh fuck yeah. It was such a weird time looking back to how it was then, especially since it wasn't that long ago, which goes to show you how fast technology has developed. You'd have bands that would sell 10,000 copies solely by word-of-mouth, and when I say "word-of-mouth", I mean literally, one person talking to another, face-to-face or on the phone with someone. Chain stores didn't carry metal back then, period.

You were happy if you could get into the bigger indies like Newbury Comics, and you just tried to sell to mom-and-pops, and there weren't as many distros or mailorders then either, but you tried to cover those all too. So when Century Black had new titles out, you just tried to make sure that Necropolis, Full Moon and Red Stream took copies, as even Relapse wasn't carrying black metal back then. Mailorder also wasn't nearly as prevalent, since it was really, really hard to get the word out. You didn't have a webshop, everyone had 56K dial-up modems at best, and so you tried to get word out there through the fanzines, distro booths and keeping a mailing list and mailorder catalog that you'd send direct to everyone a few times a year. When you saw someone with a cool shirt, or holding a cool album in a shop, you'd talk to them -- I made a lot of my best friends through common interests in music.

But now, as you said, you can probably get a Multiilation longsleeve or an Abruptum hoodie at Hot Topic or whatever. Okay, maybe not quite, but you know what I mean! Just finding records back then was such an event, but I loved it. It would sometimes take me two years, no joke, to find a rare album that had horrible distribution, but man, what a feeling when you had it in your hands. The death of independent and especially used record stores has really sucked, that used to be my primary reason for traveling. I remember going to Gothenberg in '93, opening up a phonebook at the train station, and asking people walking by what the word for "records" was in Swedish so I could look up all the stores, mark them on a map, and go hunting all day long. And later that day, I had Eucharist "A Velvet Creation" and At The Gates "Gardens Of Grief" in my hands... and when I bought the At The Gates, it was Tompa who sold it to me, working behind the counter at Dolores Records... holy shit!

(Life existed before 'Slaughter of the Soul')

I used to do that to every city I went to... and I know I had a lot of friends doing the same. There's probably not a single record I couldn't find now in 5 minutes on the web if I feel like paying enough money, short of some overpriced rare vinyl, but even that comes up with regularity. I miss "the chase" aspect of it, really... instant gratification is nice sometimes, but it makes you lazy too.

Back to Century Black for a minute: the line-up of black metal acts, looking back, is quite impressive, with many of the band's being in the pantheon of black metal, who sought out these artists for this imprint?

Ula: Once again I'd point to Rayshele, and Robert was living in Germany so he was also keeping his eyes open for whatever new was available and interesting (this was around the dawn of the Internet, so info was scarce, you really had to actively seek things out on your own or have someone send something your way). I remember Robert pushing for a long time to get the first Opeth album, "Orchid", and it took a long, long time to make that happen with Candlelight. I don't think Rayshele was quite as into Opeth, but it wasn't really what you would call 'troo kvlt' black metal either, so that's understandable. But when that finally came together and CM got the rights for that, it was great, although when it was released the few people that knew about the band already had the import, and basically nobody else cared. It took a long time and a lot of convincing to sell that band on people, but by the time they finally played the US (at the Milwaukee Metalfest around '98, I think, when "Still Life" was out in Europe) they had a pretty good fan base going already. And once you got one or two bands licensed, and other labels heard you were paying advances and accounting regularly for those titles, it became a lot easier to do the rest. The real keystone band around that time, of course, was Emperor. Rayshele was really into the band and used to talk to the guys regularly, and so Robert also dealt out with Candlelight that CM would get the rights to the Emperor titles as well, starting with the "Hordane's Land" split EP with Enslaved, followed up shortly by "In The Nightside Eclipse", and they sold a few thousand to begin with but it also took a while for people to take notice.

Did you personally deal with any of these artists? If so, who and what was it like?

Ula: Rayshele was the one dealing with the ‘true’ black metallers, so she was regularly talking to Hellhammer from Mayhem, Ihsahn and Samoth from Emperor, Garm from Arcturus and Ulver, etc. I knew of black metal but the ideology and a lot of the bands were new to me in that pre-Internet era, I remember going to Oslo for one day while in Europe back in ’93 and Varg was on the front page of all the Norwegian newspapers as he’d just been sentenced to prison, but I’d only heard a few of the bands when I started at CM. I remember picking up a fanzine that was sitting in the office filing cabinets, and there was an interview with Hellhammer from Mayhem, and he closed the interview by saying, “Black metal for white people!” And that was when I thought, “Huh, maybe I don’t really need to deal with these guys.” So Rayshele kept up the personal contacts, and when she was no longer with the label, around ’97 or so, I was already dealing with a couple of the guys, like Samoth, Satyr and a few others. By then I was starting to get a bit into licensing and the contractual side of things, and so I worked out a couple of the deals, like dealing with Avantgarde to release the Mayhem “Live In Leipzig” album along with two Katatonia records and Ophthalamia, and I was doing purchasing for the mail-order so I was working with a lot of those labels, from US ones like Necropolis, Breath Of Night and Full Moon Productions to the overseas ones like Moonfog, Head Not Found / Deathlike Silence, Hot, Avantgarde, Osmose, etc. I think a lot of those guys in the scene did and said things they regretted soon thereafter, and I don’t mean so much the multiple stabbings and church-burnings, but even just some of the right-wing affiliation, ego and imagery. They were all kids when they started out, basically, and as they got a bit older, most of them grew up. Some didn’t, but most did.

Please dish on any funny/amusing 'Hedwig And The Angry Inch' moments from this time period, the bands or the Century Black imprint.

Ula: Well, I still remember when Moonspell were in their demo days, they got a fax from Mortiis, who was in Emperor at the time, I think. Mortiis was threatening them, calling them the word that rhymes with ‘diggers’, putting a cute little swastika at the bottom and saying, “Heil Hitler” as a postscript. I still have a copy of that fax, and this is from a dude that would later go on to play industrial rock while wearing elf ears. I think if 1995 Mortiis could have time-travelled to 2003, he would have murdered himself.

Well, the most embarrassing thing that probably happened was the initial CD pressing of the Emperor/Enslaved split CD, which had the very cool and eerie Gustav Dore work “The Vision Of Death” on the front, but due to a color-separation film fuck-up it came out not in black but in bright pink. Try explaining that to the band. Then there were Ulver, who after two brilliant albums of folk/black metal, signed to CM, at which time everyone expected them to go even more commercial than they were before. Instead, they gave us “Nattens Madrigal”, one of the most primal records you could imagine, and they did tell us they recorded the album outdoors in the woods, and also that they scrapped the initial recording session because it came out “too good”. The other fiasco of sorts was the Malicious Records saga, where I worked out a deal with the German guy, Gerrit, who owned the label, and we worked out a decent advance payment for him too, in order to get the US rights for the whole catalog. We finished the deal and I told him in order to pay him, he needed to send us an invoice with his bank info. He just couldn’t seem to do that even though it was a fair bit of money, and I reminded him several times, but he just didn’t manage to send one. In the meantime, several of the bands got wind of the fact that we were about to release those albums in the States, and they let us know they’d never gotten paid a dime from the guy, and that he no longer had the rights to those albums, so we managed to cancel the Mortiis, Vond and Zyklon-B releases, but by then we already had the other 8 printed and being sold, which was records by Aura Noir, Borknagar, Dodheimsgard and Gorgoroth. The very lucky part is that we had never sent Gerrit a penny since he never sent that invoice through, so we were able to work out direct deals with most of the bands to pay them. If we had already sent the money to the guy, the bands would have been completely screwed. So the lesson I learned from that is, just because someone says they have the rights to something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. Even better, that guy would reach out to me every year or so, asking when he was going to get his money, so I had to tell him, “You’d better talk to your bands.”

What sort of wrapped this whole time period together was The Firestarter compilation in ‘97, featuring very prominent acts of the second wave of black metal, however this comp seems to get no love or at least little recognition, why do you think that is?

Ula: Probably because I put it together, ha ha ha. I think it came a bit late to really be considered groundbreaking, as the die had already been cast with things like the “Nordic Metal” comp that Necropolis had released. But the comp did pretty well, actually, and it was a baby of mine, so I tried to make something cool out of it.

The name came about from a fax I got from Samoth, about some interviews or whatever, and at the bottom he wrote, as a joke, “I’m a firestarter…”, after the Prodigy song that was big at the time. I thought that was pretty clever, and I told him I wanted to use it as the name of a black metal comp, which he was OK with. Travis Smith did a great job with the artwork, and that one was one of his earlier works before the Opeths and Katatonias of the world started calling him, and it was the idea for us to release it cheaply, just to be a fan-friendly, zero-profit item that would hopefully introduce people to some new bands. CM sold over 20,000 of them in the end, and it was in shops for about $5 or from the mailorder for just $2, so I think a cool-looking package with some good bands at a cheap price made it irresistible to a lot of people. Weirdly enough I’ve had a lot of people tell me they got introduced to a few bands through that comp, as CM was doing the cheap label sampler “Identity” back then, and so I wanted to do the more extreme version. My favorite part was that I wanted to include the long wood match in the spine, and we found out it was both possible and affordable, so the first few thousand came with that match. OK, maybe it’s not as cool as the Zippo with the Burzum CD, but fuck it, even those cost you like $50 to buy one back in '93, so for a $2 price tag it was as good as we could manage!

Nowadays black metal seems to have a much more cheesy stigma attached to it, with elaborate corpse paint, glamour shot photos, etc. How would you compare and contrast the current acts to those at the time?

Ula: The glamour shots definitely leave me cold, I have never been a guy who got into bands with an image, unless your ‘image’ was wearing jeans and T-shirts. I think the initial wave had such a strong impact because it was raw, primal and done on a budget, all of which normally adds up to a kind of intensity that just can’t be matched. Some of the band photos now look like they must be airbrushed, or when you have Dimmu Borgir spending like $8,000 on a photo shoot complete with gothic nurses and naked chicks on dog chains, you know you’re a long, long way from their Fimbulwinter roots. But I blame that on Cradle Of Filth more than anything, ever since the release of their first album they were always one of the top-selling bands, and the more polished their image became, the more people bought into it. That, in turn, seemed to influence Dimmu and all the others, and when you look at pictures of the current bands, even those that have been around for a while like Dark Funeral, it’s hardly spontaneous, everything looks perfectly placed.

Some of those vintage photos were done in 5 minutes, you can tell, so even if they look a bit goofy, they seem a lot more sincere than some guys who are polishing up their nail wristbands and are worried if their shin plates will stand out properly against the ambient backlight. But what’s impressive to see is how far the US has come, as in the mid-‘90s, US black metal was, to almost everyone concerned, a joke. You had a few bands trying to make something happen, but even Havohej and Sarcophagus (who have one of the best bad band photos ever, just check Metal Archives) and the rest were just not being taken seriously. Then again, the thinking at the time was that if it didn’t come from Scandinavia, it probably wasn’t worth listening to, and bands like Enthroned were using selling points like, “Norwegian black metal from Belgium”, which always made me laugh. Flash forward 10 years, and it’s a totally different ballgame, and I’m glad to see that the US have come up with some very solid and often experimental black metal bands, and I’m amazed at how many one-man bedroom projects have taken lives of their own.

You brought up a good point. Don't you find it interesting that with black metal, for once it seemed that there was a trend going geographically "backwards"? I mean, instead of Europe catching on to what's popular in the U.S. three to five years later (with the UK being of course a little ahead of the curve) the music which was happening in the early 90s took three to five years to saturate enough to wake American audiences up to this music?

Ula: I guess it's just a matter of where that sound originates from. A lot of trends -- and a lot of bad trends, too -- originated in the States and spread outward, but there were some specific genre examples where the US was last to join the party. I think of punk rock from England in the '70s, black metal as you said, and probably the next example after that would be the Swedish death metal scene and how that wound up crossing over to US metalcore where you had pudgy short-haired dudes from Nebraska forcing pit-friendly breakdowns into the middle of At The Gates riffs. Americans are always reluctant to admit that someone else thought of something first that's better, but hey, sometimes you can't deny what's good. I mean, fried chicken and cheeseburgers are fine, but I'll take good Mexican food over that any day, you know?

Nowadays, black metal has changed a great deal and only Naglfar and Dark Fortress remain as relevant acts of the genre on CM. Is there really just not too much money to be made back on black metal like there use to be?

Ula: "Back on black" metal, I see what you did there, ha ha. I'm not even sure you would consider Naglfar wholly a black metal band, to me it's just Naglfar, they're their own beast, and few people would consider Old Man's Child a black metal band too. I think there were so many labels that specialized in those bands in the meantime that most of the larger indies just couldn't maintain a credible foothold. I mean, if you're looking for credibility, how can a label like Century Media, with bands like Lacuna Coil or Suicide Silence, have the same credibility as a NoEvDia, Drakkar and the likes? Forget it. You can't have everything. I'm sure there's still money to be made on black metal or else most of the labels wouldn't touch it, but let's face it, for labels there's not a lot of money to be made on most music these days. If you want to make money in music, you'd better be involved in touring, merch or maybe publishing. And for black metal, I think merch and maybe vinyl are probably the only two things that consistently bring the bands some beer money, since a lot of them don't really tour much anyway.

What was ultimately Century Black's undoing?

Ula: I think the brand got stretched too far, I don’t even remember all of the records that got tagged as Century Black releases, but I remember it was used on a couple releases that you could only call black metal if you really broadened the definition of what black metal was. And I believe the last batch of Century Black releases were from the Malicious catalog, which as I explained was a nightmare and which seriously dragged on for years. A lot of those bands also moved on from what they were doing musically to other styles, or diminished the black metal elements in their music, either as their interests took hold elsewhere or in some cases they just evolved musically and didn’t wish to be pinned down anymore playing as fast as they humanly could on a shoestring budget in Grieghallen Studios.

Any other humorous or noteworthy stories from this imprint or era?

Ula: Well, it’s been printed a few times how pissed off Opeth were that we put the band logo on the front cover of the “Orchid” and “Morningrise” albums, but it was also pretty apparent at the time that since nobody in the States really knew who they were in ’96, the records just wouldn’t have sold well without a band name on the front, as we just didn’t even think some of the store clerks would be astute enough to figure out where the albums would go. Maybe that was artistically wrong and nowadays you could do a clear, see-through sticker with the logo on top of the jewel-case, but back then the options were more limited, and the band got over it, and the records did pretty well in the end, so it’s another case of art versus commerce, ha ha.

("Wait, wait, wait... I know it's 1996 and our second record JUST came out and no one really knows who we are, but still, putting our name on our album cover just screams 'Sell out!'")

There were a couple records that very nearly got released via Century Black, but fell apart at the last minute, like the first two Cradle Of Filth releases, “The Principle Of Evil Made Flesh” and “Vempire”, and also the Burzum “Aske” album (CM even had promo CD sleeves printed up before a last-minute snafu with Misanthropy Records axed the deal). As a personal experience, I definitely remember the 1998 Milwaukee Metalfest, which was the live US debut for Emperor. They had previously insisted that they use their own keyboard live, so they had it shipped over ahead of the show, and was brought to the venue along with the band. They got through customs with a letter I had written saying they were going to play a benefit show for Jeff Becerra of Possessed, which thankfully worked, as the band weren’t getting paid enough to afford work visas, and we were worried that Samoth’s record would cause problems but we could only cross our fingers and hope. Everything worked out short of Alver’s bass getting damaged on the flight (he found a replacement), and the band were in good spirits. About 45 minutes before they had to play, Samoth realized he needed batteries for some gear, so I hauled ass out of the venue, we tracked down some batteries at a nearby market, and ran back in time… no sooner did I hand the batteries over, with minutes to spare, that their keyboard player, Charmand Grimloch, just realized the keyboard he’d brought over wouldn’t function without a Europe-to-US power converter. I ran into all the dressing rooms, stumbling in on guys like Sodom and Destruction in various states of undress, frantically asking for a power converter. Either the bands didn’t have one, or they weren’t about to loan one to Emperor, but I came up empty-handed (and this was pre-cell phones, of course) and it was already time for the band to hit the stage. So it dawned on Charmand that they’d be playing without him and that he’d flown all the way over for nothing. He was just standing on the side of the stage, frustrated beyond belief, and so during the first song he just ran out and stage-dove over the security barrier into the audience. In retrospect, it’s amazing the show even happened, and that 4/5 of them got to play that day.

So to wrap up, please list your top five CM release of all time and your top five black metal albums (can be CM or not) of all time…

Ula: Okay, let me think about that. Top 5 CM, in no order: Samael "Ceremony Of Opposites", Strapping Young Lad "City", Only Living Witness "Innocents", Bloodbath "Resurrection Through Carnage" and either Morgoth "Odium" or Nevermore "Dreaming Neon Black". If The Gathering put out a comp of the best of the Anneke years I'd be all over that shit too. My top 5 black metal records: Ulver "Bergtatt", Satyricon "Nemesis Divina", Immortal "At The Heart Of Winter", Arcturus "Aspera Hiems Simfonia" and Emperor "Anthems To The Welkin At Dusk". Runner-ups for me would be Dissection "Storm..." and Watain "Casus Luciferi". What can I say, I like the melodic stuff more than the "grim holocaust attakk" stuff, but fuck it, I'm old and I think I'm right, ha ha.

Where is the double bass on the drums: Vintage Roadrunner hate mail

2009-10-09T00:18:00.002-04:00

Some posts just write themselves, like yesterday's on Stuff You Will Hate about BOSS' Crabcore pedal. Such is also the case with this collection of "interesting" letters received by Roadrunner about 5 years ago and passed on to us by a secret source that we will simply call "Green Rage." Please thank him/her and enjoy this rare treat!

Click on any of the images to see a full-size version that you can actually read.

This fucking dipshit is an asshole of the highest order, but what's much worse is that he's not funny. In this letter he pretends to think there is a defect with the CD they sent him FOR FREE and says the singer for Cradle of Filth sounds like a girl. Here is how I would probably react: Har har, real funny, you sure taught me a lesson about how lame I am for sending free stuff to people like you. You couldn't just silently throw it away like everyone else who doesn't like it, you had to rub it in my face. Your time is clearly priceless, other than the hours you spent writing this letter and patting yourself on the back for being so clever. How about this you motherfucker, I know where your fucking kids go to school and they get out in 10 minutes- think you can get there faster than I can? Why aren't you laughing anymore??

In this letter, some gimp/mongo begs Roadrunner to send him a Slipknot CD out of pity for his disability. True to form for someone who is asking for a handout, he is not only asking for a favor but has very specific demands regarding how the favor should be done: "CDS LPS ONLY NO SINGLES. IF 2 VERSIONS SEND EXPLICIT LYRIC VERSION. IF ONLY ONE VERSION SEND IT." It's kind of like when I told Olga Kurylenko she should pity-fuck me after the ATM ate my debit card, then said "MISSIONARY/REVERSE COWGIRL ONLY NO HANDJOBS. IF 2 ORIFICES USE BUTTHOLE. IF ONLY ONE ORIFICE USE IT."

If you ever did a zine, traded tapes, or otherwise corresponded with Euros by mail in the 80s/90s, this letter will sound all too familiar. Some German weirdo is pitching them on the idea of opening some Roadrunner stores in Europe. But that's not all! He adds that "When a Roadrunner Band is on Tour or the Roadrunner Roadrage Tour is across Europe this Band or Bands make a Autographbreak on the Local Roadrunner Store so Fans can get closer to their Idols." It sounds to me like he has fully considered this idea and I cannot imagine why Roadrunner did not jump at the chance to immediately engage him as VP Retail Development, Roadrunner Europe. Then he could give the gimp from above a job and kill two birds with one stone!

Now this letter is refreshing! He's not being a dickbag whiner, asking for free shit, or an annoying Euro, he's just a Roadrunner fan who is understandably concerned about the direction the label started taking around this time (1995ish). As a diehard Fear Factory and Machine Head devotee, he simply asks "Where is the REALLY heavy stuff? Where is the death metal? Where is the double bass on the drums??" And isn't that what we are all trying to find out during our time here on this planet?? Where *is* the double bass on the drums?

Hoo boy... this reminds me of the insane bullshit that covers the label of Dr. Bronner's soap. The scary part is the complete lack of awareness at play. Any time someone seems to lack a fundamental understanding of reality, it's unnerving because you never know what the fuck they'll do next. They operate on what seems to be their own bizarre logic system that has little or no relationship to the way the world actually works. When Z-level, local metal bands send their godawful demo to Roadrunner it's certainly kind of pathetic, but at least it makes sense: they are in a metal band, and Roadrunner puts out metal records. I always wonder what possesses some weirdo like this fruit to contact a label like Roadrunner, and how they might react if rejected. I imagine this guy is the heir to some insane fortune that his father made selling essence of honeysuckle in the 1920s or whatever, so he doesn't have to work. Instead, he spends his days wandering around, sniffing bicycle seats and park benches. When he gets the news that Roadrunner signed Billy Talent instead of him, he flips out and some poor girl waiting for the bus ends up in a dumpster behind 7-11, fragments of a shattered Dresden Dolls CD jammed into her skull.

Putting out the Disincarnate album alone is enough to atone for Roadrunner's sins of allowing Methods of Mayhem and the nu-Misfits to enter a recording studio

Conclusion
Working in the music industry might sound glamorous, but there's more to the job than the cool stuff you read about in No Glam Fags or The Wild Rag. For every "ZOMG all my dreams are coming true" moment like the time you get to help Donald Tardy wash his 1992 Chevy Luv while he tells you stories about Scott Burns' farts, there's decidedly unglamorous stuff like taking Tom Araya to 8AM Sunday mass with his daughters. We think that getting letters like this make it all worthwhile though, and welcome any other informants like "Green Rage" to share with us!

We don't know anybody at Roadrunner, but if you do, please pass this on to them and ask them to get in touch! There are few labels who have contributed more to metal than they have and we would love to work with them in one way or another. For starters, let's bro down with Mike from Killswitch and talk to him about the rad Devastation "Idolatry" longsleeve he wore when I saw Overcast in 1998.

A quick detour through bummer-ville

The best song from Left With Nothing's criminally underrated EP- check out a live version here. They were a rare combo of fun but also super intense and emotional, like Seattle's other ex-Trial/Undertow/Himsa regretcore band Everything Went Black, and I had a lot of fun at their shows.

Sorry to end on such a serious note, but we would like to express our sadness for the recent loss of Brian Redman, formerly of RR band 3 Inches of Blood. I knew him from the Seattle hardcore scene, where he played in Trial and the really-fucking-great-but-unknown Left With Nothing, one of my favorite Seattle hardcore bands. He was funny, friendly, and had a motherfucking INTEGRITY tattoo on his chest- you really can't fuck with that! I wasn't BFFs with him, but many of my Washington friends were and he is dearly missed.

Pyogenesis: Teenage awkwardness in musical form

2009-10-07T02:40:00.001-04:00

The name of this band was brought up by one of our readers a couple of weeks ago. Upon reading it, I was instantly transported to another time (1992)...a time when my brother would spend entire weekends reading and writing letters with tape traders from places like Romania, Ecuador and Turkey. Back then, our mailbox was consistently packed with demos from noise, grind and death metal bands from all over the world, most of them completely awful. It's within that context that I remember the name Pyogenesis, and as such I quickly wondered what had happened to them since. Through the magic of the interweb, my thirst for knowledge was quickly quenched via the video below. Listen to the music and be amazed a this group of germans who never met a style of music they didn't like. Much like the awful buffet restaurants that have pizza, and pasta, and chinese food, and ice cream, and Indian food, and sushi...the mix is interesting but odd at the same time. Think about the awkward teenager in your high school (perhaps it was you) who bounced around from subculture to subculture. That teenager is Pyogenesis. As the music starts to take a decidedly pop-punk twist, remind yourself that these guys were metal enough to have been on Osmose Productions, and some of the members were in Gut. With an impecable metal resume like that (I'm kinda' joking, in case you can't tell) their change in musical direction is even more amusing. Notice that this clip only features their evolution until 2002...by now they're probably composing rock operas, and "dropping" mix tapes that feature Lil' Wayne.

Oh, and who could forget their semi-techno cover of Toto's "Africa"?

Guest appearances on Invisible Oranges and Something Awful; No Fun Club appears

2009-10-05T07:43:00.008-04:00

Invisible Oranges "Now That's What I Call Slam" mixtape
Cosmo Lee and the gang at Invisible Oranges have a very literate, smart take on metal that's as rare as it is considered. Naturally, you must be thinking "What the fuck are YOU doing on that site, then?!" I am as puzzled as you are, but I was super stoked to put together a selection of crushing slamz for them that you can download over at IO (including the cover that you see above). In Cosmo's words:

If John Waters blogged about metal, the result would be Metal Inquisition. The site is mean as hell, yet culturally astute. It trawls society's backwaters and exposes insecurities for public ridicule. Blogger Sergeant D is especially adept at this. The man has some of the strangest tastes I've ever seen. He'll champion old-school powerviolence, then turn around and stick up for crunkcore and "wigger slam" metal (his term). He actually likes that stuff.

I have been a huge John Waters fan since I was about 9 years old, so it would be hard to come up with a more flattering comparison than that- I'm blushing!

As usual, I turn to Guttermouth to articulate my feelings

Predictably, the No Fun Club showed to rain on the parade and get butthurt because I used the word "wigger." You can read the comments and see for yourself, but I foolishly made the mistake of attempting to extend the olive branch to them, forgetting the most fundamental characteristic of the NFC: Nothing you do will ever, ever be good enough for them. They sit atop their throne of Adbusters back issues, clipping coupons for Howard Zinn bobbleheads and passing judgment on mouthbreathing savages like me who "just don't get it." I tried to explain that when I make wigger jokes, the humor is based on the fact that it's a fucking completely retarded term, so perhaps we were on the same page after all. But it was all in vain: as expected, they weren't having it. Every word I typed was more proof of what a Neanderthal I am, because you just can't win with these dickholes.

If you are in the No Fun Club, I think we will never be on the same page. You hate fun, and I love it. We are natural enemies, like Mordred and non-funky beats. So get fucked, and instead of reading my posts, spend that time with a select group of your brightest friends circle-jerking to Kent McClard/Aaron Turner* slashfic stories or whatever it is that you do while I'm listening to Infernal Revulsion and texting your sister.

Read more / download "Now That's What I Call Slam" at Invisible Oranges

* No offense meant to Aaron Turner, he seems like a chill dude and was super cool the few times I've interacted with him- it's not his fault beardos like the records he puts out.

Something Awful "Garbage Day: Stuff You Will Hate"
On a happier note, this guest post on Something Awful's Garbage Day with Andrew Miller was legitimately an honor. Something Awful is a legendary site that's up there with a select few like 4chan and Hipster Runoff in terms of retarded internet humor made by really smart people, and I've been a huge fan for a solid decade. We sent each other links to some shitty songs on YouTube, then made fun of them. Pretty simple but pretty great. MI readers will especially appreciate Andrew's comment on the amazingly wigged-out new video from Despised Icon, featuring a "Deez Nuts" shirt and 40-tipping, among other things:

What "I'm on a Boat" did to Autotuned R&B, the "Day of Mourning" video does unintentionally to tough-guy deathcore. Given that it's more of a farce than most parodies, someone involved in its production must have realized it was fucking hilarious. I can imagine the director's instructions: "Yes, wear the 'Deez Nuts' shirt, the contrast between the tragic graveside scenes and the whimsical slogan will be poignant!" And "I'm going to play some nü-metal during the performance scenes, and I want you to gesture and altogether behave as though that's the music that's really accompanying the video. I'll change the soundtrack in post-production. The effect will be transcendent! What? Oh no, you can evade any rap-metal stigma, as long as you wear your baseball caps with the bills facing forward." Then I can see him stuffing a towel in his mouth and grinding his teeth through the threads as he tries to stave off hysterics.

It's a testament to SA's advanced-level technique that Andrew was one of the few people to realize that the only kind of music I genuinely hate is indie rock. He sent me videos from Jay Reatard, Yacht, and a few others that had my blood boiling in seconds- no easy task! His only misstep was giving me a song from Fight Fair, who are one of my favorite bands. But hey, nobody bats 1000. Passion Pit made me want to smash my own fingers with a ballpeen hammer out of sheer beard-induced rage:

This is music for beardos with pot bellies and a live-in girlfriend. To borrow a line from Henry Rollins, starting a band like this is like breaking into your parents' liquor cabinet and drinking the light beer. Why are these fucking assholes smiling so much? Does it feel THAT GOOD to prance around in a sweater and glasses? Did they just see a life-affirming independent film about how amazing poor people and retards are? Maybe they're thinking about all the cool stuff they just bought off Etsy, or how much better they feel about themselves now that they've switched to Fair Trade Coffee, I don't know.

Thanks to Andrew and the gang at SA, you're welcome on MI any time!

Read more at Something Awful